Posts
I've tried so hard for the two and a half hours I've been home tonight to do some "recreational blog reading", aka, reading about things that aren't really a part of my bigger picture like husbands, children, and crafts. Usually I feel guilty doing things that aren't exactly productive (see: reading blogs on cooking/baking, but I suppose in a sense that is sort of productive if I do cook it for my family), but I decided I would take tonight for myself and read some fun blogs that I really enjoy.
The problem is I cried for an hour or so tonight. I haven't posted my blog about it yet, but I spent six hours of last night in the hospital, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I hadn't completely "released" over the stress of it, and since there's nothing I can do these days but cry for a release, I knew it was coming soon. However, someone in my family decided to take my physical weakness from the hospital ordeal and frustration at my biological mother's guilt trips and turn it into "have you noticed you get cranky and get upset easier at night?" Can I have a "what the fuck" please? (Cue crying.) I feel like for as long as I shall live, the people that know I used to self mutilate—and were there to witness it—will constantly judge my actions. Unfortunately the majority of these people are my close relatives. You can see why it would hurt and bring tears to my eyes. I wish people would just realize that I am not the same person I was over two years ago, but from the sounds and stories from other addicts experiencing the same situation, it could be years, if ever, before people trust me again which is extremely upsetting. I know my wrongs, but please accept my redemption.
So blogging world, while I would love to sit here and read you, my eyes are stinging just from being open and burning from trying to read anything longer than the length of an incomplete sentence. Editing this to be post-worthy will be painful, but I must do it or I'll regret it tomorrow.
I think I'll bake cookies in the morning.
5 comments:
What a completely inappropiate, insensetive thing to say to you! I think it's wrong of people all together to bring up one's past, when that person is obviously trying to get over the past and make a clean start.
My mum will bring up something I did two or three years ago in the event of an argument, cos she knows that it can shock me to tears so she can win the argument.
Bring-up-the-past-ers (N). I'm not loving em.
I am however still loving your blog, and I'm gunna tag you in the award thing. Not just cos you reminded me I needed to do that, but because you know... yours is one of my favourites anyway. :)
I don't know anyone who has the right to judge others. No one is clear of faults or things they did in the past. I feel sorry for someone who thinks they can judge others without looking within themselves first. It is good you let it out. You have become much stonger than even you know. You are a special person and don't let anyone get into you like that. It makes you wonder what they are hiding from thier past. Keep up the good work!
Pixie- I'm so glad you agree with me. :) That really made me smile this morning knowing I'm not alone. Also, thank you so much for the tags!
Anonymous 2:31PM- "I feel sorry for someone who thinks they can judge others without looking within themselves first." I love that line and completely agree. I know I may have done some messed up things, but I'm not the only one, and that definitely doesn't lower me and allow anyone else to be on a pedestal.
"You have become much stonger than even you know." really has me thinking. :)
I hate people who judge others. I mean I literally and with no regrets, HATE those who think they have the right to judge another person! I know for a fact that I've changed from what I was not more than a year ago, and if you say you've changed, then you have and this person has no right to say otherwise!
My thoughts are hoping you're going to be okay. This person doesnt deserve anything more than a slap across the head.
It takes a strong will to grow and move past a situation that you were in. And you did it. So ignore this person because they know NOTHING.
(Also, this may/may not be a bad time but I've tagged you for an award, because you so deserve one. so see my blog okays?)
xxxx
Dolly- I will definitely be okay, but thank you so much for thinking of me. :)
Issues with this person have been passed, not discussed, but we're okay right now and it probably won't ever come up again.
Truthfully, what hurts the most is not that someone would say something like that, but now that it's been said any time in the future that I do get upset at night, it'll be in the back of my mind. It'll make me want to fake my emotions so they don't assume the same thing again, which would make me feel even worse. It's especially hard when it's a family member that's doing the judging, of course, when you expect them of all people to be the complete opposite.
I saw the tagging, it definitely brightened my day. What you wrote left with me with a huuuge cheesy grin :) Thank you, again.
Post a Comment