30 Days to an Almost End - Day 11

This week in detail

     I don’t remember my week in detail. I couldn’t tell you what I did last Sunday, I honestly do not recall. Instead I’ll tell you some details about my week that I can remember.

• Finally, I changed my last name on Facebook to Voltaire.
• At some point, I ate two or three or maybe even four McFlurries. All M&M. I’ve never had another flavor, and may never.





• I worked out a lot. This morning I went for my first morning bike ride, around 6:45 AM. It felt wonderful, I want to do it again.
• I watched a lot of movies this week. Cabaret, Copycat, Blue Velvet, The Lovely Bones… I think I’m missing one, too. One movie I didn’t see this week was Eclipse.





• I’ve read quite a few books this past week too. Plato’s Republic, Dante’s Inferno, Lois Lowry’s Gathering Blue and Messenger, Justin Halpern’s Sh*t My Dad Says. Now I’m reading Nabakov’s Pnin.





• I got a new Miley & Max skirt today, as well as a really cool wifebeater. It’s too big on me, but it was the only one I saw. I couldn’t pass it up.

     And that’s my week, the bits I can remember.

30 Days to an Almost End series list

It’s July 1st.

     I realized this morning, reading a tweet or something insignificant. Regardless, I was scared, but at least a friend was with me. Disaster avoided. 

     Just reminded on Facebook. Now I’m scared shitless, I’m terrified. I feel like doomsday is approaching, not the date of my late birth. I feel like the world’s ending, collapsing, and I’m at the center past the event's horizon.

      Help me survive the bottom—or the center...

A jolted note before bed,

    There’s a lot of reasons why my life is enjoyable, why it’s great. Much negative, still so much positive. Electromagnetic, I am what I am what I want to be and that’s always been me, or I’ve been told. Proud, proud, proud—to be free.

Monroe Makes Thirteen

     For a few years I’ve considered getting a monroe piercing. Holding me back was the worry that my face would appear too “cluttered” because of how many facial piercings I already had (snakebites, nose, tongue).

     The other day I took a photo and I couldn’t help but think that it would look so much better if I had a monroe piercing in it. I asked a few friends their opinions and got thumbs up all around, so I went ahead and got it done yesterday afternoon by a friend (who happens to be a professional piercer).

     My friend doing the procedure made the experience much more pleasant than any other. The comfort of my room, my music, and someone I trust doing the piercing was a completely relaxed environment. I can say with much assurance that getting my monroe was the least painful piercing I have ever gotten, and I believe it largely has to do with what I just described.

     If you’re curious as to what all I have done now, here’s a list—

1.) 2 lobe  2.) 4 cartilage (one left, three right) 3.) 1 industrial (left) 4.) 2 lip (snakebites) 5.) 1 nostril (left) 6.) 1 tongue 7.) 1 monroe (right side, which might even be called something else by some, but I’m not sure)

     This leaves me with a grand total of thirteen, if you count the industrial as two (which I do, considering it took 45 minutes and bled like crazy).

Today, I am grateful for...

     Since January, I’ve made it a point to write down at least five things I’m grateful for everyday. I figured I would share them eventually, although as time went on, I couldn’t envision bearing all due to how in-depth and personal some unexpectedly became.

     With COSA18 coming to an end next month, I’ve made the decision to now share some of my “favorites” from the book I’ve written them in.

On January 13^th 2010 I was grateful for…

2. Not having to answer phone calls. I don’t care sometimes. I don’t want to listen to a slew of excuses or someone trying to belittle me into agreeing with them. That doesn’t make whatever they’re trying to convince me of anymore true, no matter how affective their manipulations may be.

11. Short books like Candide by Voltaire. It’s nice to finish a short book in a short amount of time. Everyone likes feeling accomplished, and with short books that can come more frequently.

On January 19^th 2010 I was grateful for…

2. My dad’s extensive library. It’s neat being about to name a classic book and having a likely chance of my dad owning it.

On April 20^th 2010 I was grateful for…

4. “Fan” pages on Facebook. They make me smile.

On April 30^th 2010 I was grateful for…

4. Photons. They’re energizing and they make me feel good.

5. The stars, the cosmos. At night, I love gazing up at the stars and feeling infinitely small in comparison to their magnificence.

On May 27^th 2010 I was grateful for…

1. Painting. It’s a wonderful form of expression different from my usual seeking of comfort by learning about a topic of biology.

4. Having 2-3 months left to study before college begins this fall.

On May 29^th 2010 I was grateful for…

1. Nail polish. Painted nails are a simplicity that boost my happiness.

On May 30^th 2010 I was grateful for…

3. Pinsky. He finally ate the noisy cricket that’s been chirping nearly non-stop for a week.

4. Voltaire. The name, the man, the meaning.

On May 31^st 2010 I was grateful for…

2. Adderall. I don’t think reading 250 pages of Nabokov’s Pale Fire in one sitting would have been possible without it.

On June 2^nd 2010 I was grateful for…

1. Multiple books that explain astrophysics. I understand more with every book I pick up, and it also helps me form my own opinions and even hypotheses about the unknowns of the universe by reading the numerous thoughts of various scientists.

2. Pepsi, because it’s delicious.

3. My dad for getting me the aforementioned Pepsi.

5. Discovering that an ex got a new girlfriend that he’s seemingly happy with.

On June 9^th 2010 I was grateful for…

1. She Wants Revenge.

3. Having such great friends willing to defend me without me even being aware of it. I feel like the reason they demand respect for me when I’m not around is because they feel I deserve it. I’m a figure that is assumed respect. I believe this is why they defend me without my asking, for if I asked, it would be a display of weakness on my part. I stand my own ground which my friends see, therefore perhaps they assume that when I’m absent from a situation where I would normally steal my deserved respect from the greedy, they’ll demand it for me for free.

On June 10^th 2010 I was grateful for…

2. Kauvuo being shaved to resemble a male lion. It makes me smile whenever I look at him.

4. My bed being next to my window. I love reading, especially in the early morning, by sunlight while lying in bed simultaneously.

5. Blog art. It’s cliché, but the pictures/quotes make me happy. They’re a definite guilty pleasure of mine.

Today, June 19^th 2010 I am grateful for…

2. iPods. I haven’t been on a long car ride where I had to listen to my iPod to hear my preferred musical tastes in a long time. It’s actually kind of nice listening to music through earbuds every so often.

3. Sunshine. It’s sprinkling right now, I hate it. I hate the rain so much, which is funny because I used to love it. I find it extremely depressing and I do actually get “down” if I’m aware of it around me. I hope the sun starts shining again soon.

Thursday’s Thoughts - Theme: Realizations

     Dwelling and eating me inside out like maggots in disguise; I’ve had a few realizations recently.

1.   I was genuine with every inhale of ash blonde breath. Heart-wrenching tonight, it was realized wholeheartedly where you had never found me.
2.   It is possible to use someone after ties have been severed, even if no conscious thought of usage had occurred when they were originally wrung tight.
3.   There are wrong reasons and right reasons for (ab)using someone. I have not justified use with a wrong reason.
4.   My body is simply a body, although it is mine to partially do what I wish with.
5.   Vanquishing specific emotions will eternally be unfeasible, lest I self-annihilate without resurrection to complete the Übermensch show.
6.   I am the Übermensch as long as I want to be, for the ape is still within thee.
7.   Slacking on my studies wasn’t a result of a declining care for biology, instead, an escalator gallivant to the roof of attention in pursuit of a spotlight.
8.   Someone would die in place of me. My value must be high, so shall it remain and rise.

This Week’s Theme: Realizations

“Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.” - Unknown

“But egoism is more than this. It is the realization by the individual that he is above all institutions and all formulas; that they exist only so far as he chooses to make them his own by accepting them.” - John Buchanan Robinson

“Having seen and felt the end, you have willed the means to the realization of the end.” - Thomas Troward

Today my realization was the following—

   When in my prime, I’m forced to the pedestal with a choice: pride or dive.

   Pushed me to the brink of madness, with the options upon cystalline presentation: gloat freely in retaliation, destroy me in dissociation, or gaze into the abyss for it longs to gaze into you, of desperation.

On the Epic of Pathetic

     They’re hard, it’s life. Sometimes they end badly, rarely goodly—what’s left? Uncertainty. Perhaps from one end, hardly ever both. Loose ends? I’m unsure. My tightrope isn’t unraveling.

     Almost piteous, never angry. I hate to see crumbs when there wasn’t a reason to crumble.

     Break-ups. They’re hard, it’s life.

But it is never, ever ever ever, over. (:

“Before everything else, I was like you”

     “The Fragile” is bellowing from two regions of the house, feeling like a surreal type of moment for a reason I cannot define.
     To some extent it’s suggestive of five years past, a time when I should have been luxuriating in life’s young simplicities of being 12-13, in lieu of the intricacies of distorting heartbreak. Wholly—the authenticity of a world I was by no means ready for, shining in a world full of ugliness.
     I suspect the dichotomy is a life on two different tracks, double spaced by time and event and emotion. On the horizon, I go towards the absence of light, where everything is meaningless...

Resist your anthropocism for a moment,

     So few pleasures of this world would I define as radiant and labyrinthine. Grasp onto my meaning when I describe the following et cetera: there’s a bizarre pleasure in the tiny things along for the ride with our insignificant existence. An ice cream cone on Sunday from the unexpected truck making the neighborhood rounds, the innocent kiss of a shy child, opening a late birthday present you didn’t envision receiving.

     Studying the cosmos and the astrophysics comprising it all for ten hours straight, missing rise and set of the closest star justifiably blamed on the consumption of an all encompassing existence lacking an intelligent creation—you create the most gorgeous moment that’s undefined in its glorious warrants. Beyond it, magical in the moment of stepping outside the suicide door breaching the murderous world, newly learned and brave to see...
     Alpha Centauri A, B, and C dancing around a Venus lying in wake of a very Sirius Coma, dying for a Milky Way; that’s all we think of when we consider the cosmos—a charming joke of sharable quality, tales of spineless man, at the shoddiest stab of aforementioned animal-in-denial: a gravity-defying candy bar. Reduced to “nothing of bothering importance,” except it’s everything of me and you and the sun and the stars and the dogs, cats, plants, and animals roaming free. It’s the Sol if there ever were within, yet we go spiraling on to the fixed law of gravity as if none of it matters.

IT

     Tonight is an opportune time to really see how far I can go to conquer all this. Am I bigger than it? Whatever “it” even is? When I kill it, I’ll get back to you.

     It didn’t occur to me, what if I don’t wake up.

My Worries Over Studying

 

     I’m exhausted already and it’s not even 5PM. I really hope all this studying is worth it, how could it not be though? I worry sometimes that I’m not studying the right subjects, or perhaps I’m focusing too much on subjects that aren’t the most crucial for me to be most knowledgeable on.
     I think my problem is that I always want something to worry about, haha. I’m done, back to studying.

     Also, I think now would be a great time to mention that as of beginning and finishing Go Ask Alice this morning, I have read forty-five books in the year 2010. I am so proud of myself already, yet I am more proud of recognizing that it’s not enough just yet.

We are; Unsaved

Chances are high that if you’re reading this, I truly and honestly think you would be more beneficial amongst the dead. But don’t worry your pretty selfish head, I’m reading this too.

WhydoIbreakdowneverysinglefuckingnightofmylifehauntedbythememoriesofallofyou?

Climbing Mount Improbable

     A black mass of emotions, that’s what I am these days. I think it’s all the encompassing, grasping and clasping me shut and tight away from the world. Another brick in the wall, unjustly so. The further I push the higher I build—climbing, well, maybe…
     I suppose what I’ve arrived at here is my own Mount Improbable, and I suppose what I have to do is climb.

143rd Day of the Year

I1 l1o2v3e4 y1o2u3

(:

Special Blast of(f) Space

Not Dead, Yet Dying

     Do you know the rights 

to finding me?

     Today was the day. The only thing coming in my mouth this leap is on an exit to existence, beyond the world I believed to be the only. Nightmares of your faceless stares, reversion into your kingdom for hours on end—you are not the only thing. Earlier gate calls might have saved us all.

 

Part Four: Maxims and Interludes. Section 89.

Terrible experiences make one wonder whether

he who experiences them is not something terrible.

We Are Bvt Worms

     Today I had the greatest afternoon with one of my very best friends from my early teens. Right now I’m watching Lost, working on new things for COSA18, and remembering how we used to be so undeniably in love with an irrational fear of loss on both tied up loose ends. Surprisingly to me, I don’t have a single sour thought swirling within the grisly abyss of me. You were an inspiration, admittedly even my muse for a time. Some great things came to be from our romance. For that, I am grateful. For the little light that shines in on our darkness, I have no regrets.

Happy atheist Mother’s Day

     If there’s one thing I’m extremely proud of, it’s that my parents are both fairly atheistic.
     Growing up in this raped-by-religion world without someone shoving a theology down my throat—especially by my parents—has flung open wide countless doors for my mind to speculate and expand with scientific theories. As long as I can remember, I was always taught to believe science over a story, no matter how many people were whispering it into my ear.

     I laugh when people observe I am close-minded, or if they suggest I only have one view of things. Perhaps I do at times, although I do hope I don’t often come across as only having a single perspective. That alone goes against what my parents raised me to “believe in.” However, I will go on to say that I would rather seem narrow-minded into a scientific view of life than a one constructed of fairy tales.

     Happy Mother’s Day, mom. :)

P.S. My father is in my room as I type this, and asked me if I had seen the religious folks with megaphones last night during our drive through downtown. I answered with a no, and he replied, “Richard Dawkins hasn’t said it yet,”—I am watching “The Root of All Evil?”—“but these people have a mental sickness.”

Mysteries of My Creation

    Today is your (un)lucky day—have all you’ve ever wanted if you can only reach it on your own. My money’s on: you can’t, and that’s why you pushed away what you claimed was such a great thing for you, you selfish hypothetical gene. If you genuinely believe deep down that all you deserve is the shit that you spread, that is all you will ever even be. The rewards won’t exist, you’re less than that to me. This is the time of your last feeding. I hope you’re as happy as you deserve to be.