Thursday’s Thoughts - Theme: Realizations

     Dwelling and eating me inside out like maggots in disguise; I’ve had a few realizations recently.

1.   I was genuine with every inhale of ash blonde breath. Heart-wrenching tonight, it was realized wholeheartedly where you had never found me.
2.   It is possible to use someone after ties have been severed, even if no conscious thought of usage had occurred when they were originally wrung tight.
3.   There are wrong reasons and right reasons for (ab)using someone. I have not justified use with a wrong reason.
4.   My body is simply a body, although it is mine to partially do what I wish with.
5.   Vanquishing specific emotions will eternally be unfeasible, lest I self-annihilate without resurrection to complete the Übermensch show.
6.   I am the Übermensch as long as I want to be, for the ape is still within thee.
7.   Slacking on my studies wasn’t a result of a declining care for biology, instead, an escalator gallivant to the roof of attention in pursuit of a spotlight.
8.   Someone would die in place of me. My value must be high, so shall it remain and rise.

This Week’s Theme: Realizations

“Love is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.” - Unknown

“But egoism is more than this. It is the realization by the individual that he is above all institutions and all formulas; that they exist only so far as he chooses to make them his own by accepting them.” - John Buchanan Robinson

“Having seen and felt the end, you have willed the means to the realization of the end.” - Thomas Troward

Sovereign

     I’ve never felt sexier in my entire life, notwithstanding the facile appreciation of surreal power over other human beings. This isn’t quite it though, this is something new and something beautiful, something free of the aches of time and caresses of dirt and grime. You couldn’t endure this ascendancy if you tried to hardly comprehend—your capital empowerment grazed with bloody muddy selfishly childish paws, my gra-gra-graded lesser? Wolfy and salty, to not delve into the abyss with abortion risk…

     Batting the cages of realization I pass the escape brink of madness, “Complete damnation, I drowned in,” tout de suite sprinkling me in souvenir of what is effortlessly washed back ashore the island of self-deceit. “But no more!” I said in admirable defiance, I will evade every bullet train you fire with missile-aim to scorch myself within a submarine not quite yellow—blue with steam.

     & Here I lodge in the dwelling of Mulholland Drive, drenched in my own stench of fame and fraud and fortune. What you’ve always been and always are, cowering away to the tone of Sybil’s tormented cries and water vapor… Your cover has broken free. I’m not sorry, for I refuse to apologize to Me.

I tend to trouble when I doublethink

     Whatever I’m doing, it’s never beautiful enough, it’s never enough of what it has to be and that’s me.

     My “art” is merely projections of people, places, tings, the noun standing alone. To be pro- it would probably need a little more so.

     While it keeps looking I’ll stay searching. The unification could be grand, glorious, perhaps a bit grotesque. I think it’s time I become a little bit of my own grandeur view of this life.

Today my realization was the following—

   When in my prime, I’m forced to the pedestal with a choice: pride or dive.

   Pushed me to the brink of madness, with the options upon cystalline presentation: gloat freely in retaliation, destroy me in dissociation, or gaze into the abyss for it longs to gaze into you, of desperation.

My Worries Over Studying

 

     I’m exhausted already and it’s not even 5PM. I really hope all this studying is worth it, how could it not be though? I worry sometimes that I’m not studying the right subjects, or perhaps I’m focusing too much on subjects that aren’t the most crucial for me to be most knowledgeable on.
     I think my problem is that I always want something to worry about, haha. I’m done, back to studying.

     Also, I think now would be a great time to mention that as of beginning and finishing Go Ask Alice this morning, I have read forty-five books in the year 2010. I am so proud of myself already, yet I am more proud of recognizing that it’s not enough just yet.

Monday’s Excerpts – The Art of Living by Epictetus

     One book read like a religious text, more so than The Greatest Show on Earth, for it offers wisdom purely directed at what is affectionately described so commonly as “the soul,” The Art of Living has aided me so thoroughly in approaching life like a banquet and realizing that all events are impersonal, even death. Of all things I hold close and dear in the privacy of my mind, The Art of Living is one of the few burning as brightly as it has from the beginning, not to go out with a whisper any time soon. These are a few of my favorite excerpts.

This Week’s Book: The Art of Living by Epictetus

Events Don’t Hurt Us, But Our Views of Them Can
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Nor do other people. How we view these things is another matter. It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble.
    Therefore even death is no big deal in and of itself. It is our notion of death, our idea that it is terrible, that terrifies us. There are so many different ways to think about death. Scrutinize your notions about death—and everything else. Are they really true? Are they doing you any good? Don’t dread death or pain, dread the fear of death or pain.
    We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them. (Page 10)

—————

The Right Use of Books
Don’t just say you have read books. Show that through them you have learned to think better, to be a more discriminating and reflective person. Books are the training weights of the mind. They are very helpful, but it would be a bad mistake to suppose that one has made progress simply by having internalized their contents. (Page 97)

—————

Never Casually Discuss Important Matters
Take care not to casually discuss matters that are of great importance to you with people who are not important to you. Your affairs will become drained of preciousness. You undercut your own purposes when you do this. This is especially dangerous when you are in the early stages of an undertaking.
    Other people feast like vultures on our ideas. They take it upon themselves to blithely interpret, judge, and twist what matters most to you, and your heart sinks. Let your ideas and plans incubate before you parade them in front of the naysayers and trivializers.
    Most people only know how to respond to an idea by pouncing on its shortfalls rather than identifying its potential merits. Practice self-containment so that your enthusiasm won’t be frittered away. (Page 110)

Books finished this past week...
★★★☆☆ The End of Faith by Sam Harris
★★★☆☆ Psychiatry for Beginners by Brizer
★★★★☆ SuperSense: Why We Believe in the Unbelievable by Bruce Hood

(All title links link back to my webpages of them on Goodreads.com, a great library/reviewing/rating website for readers. Check it out, and add me as a friend if you decide to join!)

Racionalidad~.

     I feel I’m losing my ability to rationalize when it’s probably the spectral opposite. I feel as if I’m barreling through, gaining strength and will over my conscience at premature pace, but as if neurologically I’m convinced that it just isn’t true. How can you be sure what to believe when both arguments are spoken by you?

The Self of the Sadist

     I hate not knowing what’s next. It’s the stem of my anxiety, blossoming into countless beautiful irrationalities to the sadist. Someone reigning over the rain I’m left under to wade through the unknown. It’s not the abyss nor the galaxy, it’s the absolute unknown. Someday, I might just collide into another, and then? One day this human descent into annihilation? Who knows, it’s all a piece of the feared unknown.

     I’m trying to grip myself, decapitating the condescending fears. I’m afraid of sharks/tornadoes/the unknown, they had become virtues when their result respected vices.

     In the words of one winged creature to another unbeknown:

if you can hear this, don’t assume…

For Your Facial Manifestation,

     I have uncertainty on doing this alone although everything until now has been, obviously not saving your raping gaping holes poking the opposite of happiness into my everything of but what a dark matter.

     I’m on the precipice of unchanged trembling with fear of almost the Room 101 with no no puppy to save me. I received “ticket for two” when what I really requested was a ticket for one.

     My forsaken dance of the fucking death by dial toll is what we once knew as our tender romance of the tender ages, four by maybe five accusations—none deserving the ripe credibility they have grown: cruelty is never a gorgeous gore, no matter the tone.

     When I said that everything is forever changing and nothing is unstoppable, what I really meant to scream at the very top of the tightrope of my lungs was “ME, for man is BVT A WORM.”

 

I’ll teach you about loss.

     Like death, love, and life, I do this alone. Everything, all alone. I know the right decision, and I know the biological reason why it’s so difficult to commit to. Who am I to convince nature my conscience is right? Who am I to pretend I exist as a dichotomy? Who am I to question that I am not capable of a feat this great?

Mysteries of My Creation

    Today is your (un)lucky day—have all you’ve ever wanted if you can only reach it on your own. My money’s on: you can’t, and that’s why you pushed away what you claimed was such a great thing for you, you selfish hypothetical gene. If you genuinely believe deep down that all you deserve is the shit that you spread, that is all you will ever even be. The rewards won’t exist, you’re less than that to me. This is the time of your last feeding. I hope you’re as happy as you deserve to be.

You’re not going to shoot me down.

And I would die for hours, write for hours, supply the flowers. 

This is history in the making, 
now shut the fuck up and let me make it.

Fuck what you want, watch me stand on the world as I sit in a throne 

And if I jump I’m going to fly and look into the eagles eye 

and see I am lookin’ like you, why? 

Bitch see, it gets me how nothing gets me or get to me, 

And if you’re shootin’ for the stars 

then just shoot me.

20 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Every Sunday

(From http://www.marcandangel.com/)

1. What did I learn last week?
I learned how to recognize the appreciation around me, and to let it envelop me.

2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
My “Wheeling Weak Week” series I’ve been working on and publishing to COSA18, and applying for a lot of jobs.

3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
It was a bad moment I don’t want to publicly reflect on, that’s why it was most memorable.

4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
Applying for more jobs.

5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
Prepare the Monday’s Excerpts and Thursday’s Thoughts so I don’t have to write them up on their respective days in a stressful, anxious frenzy.

6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
This last week especially I have struggled with events from my past affecting my present day. What I can do to make this better in the upcoming week is to continue working on pushing through it with an indomitable will of strength.

7. What was last week’s biggest time sink?
Sleeping in.

8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
Irritation with others over things I know they will not change and laundry. I should do the latter tonight before bed.

9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
Laundry, haha.

10. What opportunities are still on the table?
Finishing A Lover’s Discourse.

11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
Nope, I’ve spoken to a few people this past week that I haven’t in a while, but have wanted to.

12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
Yes, and he has received accordingly with my capabilities… yet, I still feel as if I should stretch myself into more matter.

13. How can I help someone else this coming week?
I can communicate with others better so they feel more appreciated by me. Also, I can research some things that Jonathan asked me to look up a few weeks ago that I keep forgetting about.

14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
College, job, car.

15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
I study everyday in preparation of college, I’ve applied to quite a few jobs recently and haven’t stopped yet, and the aforementioned will lead me towards owning a car.

16. What’s the next step for each goal?
College—enrolling once I turn eighteen. Job/car—keep seeking employment.

17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
Nothing out of the ordinary, I should schedule something exciting.

18. What are my fears?
Giving up on my dreams by some ridiculous justification and the unknown.

19. What am I most grateful for?
Having someone who understands and appreciates so many aspects of me, especially now when I “need” it the most… I have many difficulties coming in my near future, and I’m scared.

20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?
I would split the majority of my time between my younger brother and Jonathan, I haven’t had enough time with either of them to be satisfied if life were to end.

Another Black Hole

     I’d like to think I’ve decided against something for the best of all possible worlds, then I’m not so sure. I won’t consider this the rest of my life unless the importance is paramount to the mountain I’ve already shoveled out of this hole I’ve dug myself into.
     What a terrible world we socialites live in, what a horrible excruciatingly painful world we socialize in. How joyous it is to be as bright as the sun capable of fighting the gravity of everything.

     Eventually I’ll give up and die without a surrendering key note or a waving white flag. It’ll be red flags and a long night, I can tell. I’ve got a big plan with my mind set, it’s just that who knows when I’ll actually give it some kinetic motion for a goal truly undesired.
     Sometimes we have to do what we must to protect ourselves before we think we must start preserving what little we’ve left uncorrupted, there’s really no one here to save ourselves. I’m sick of being the savior when it used to be all I ever dreamt. I’m not going to save you even if you let me, save your fucking self. … Self preservation—you’ve already welcomed the bomb.

     At the end of the supernova I care more about myself than any one or thing; majority is always right, am I right? I am a selfish, selfish girl proud to be the last one standing on this event horizon someday.

Liberate Te Ex Inferis

     My boyfriend is asleep or so I think, my best friend never called me back to make plans like we were going to, my father’s reading Schopenhauer in the living room, and my mother is terrorizing the city with her friends.

     Although I rarely feel so nonexistent in this world to the people that matter most, a rarity unknown is how actually alive I feel. Today my horrors visited another human being, now I know that I am not the only one who knows them by first name. I am liberated. This is what it feels like to be free.

Thursday’s Thoughts - Theme: Time

     For the past few days I have been reading Stephen Hawking’s A Briefer History of Time and it has completely captivated me. (One of the reasons why not much has been posted on COSA18 lately, still!) His beautiful explanations make the wonders of physics so easily graspable. My dad keeps joking, “So are you going to go become a physicist now instead of a sociobiologist?” In reply I say, “Why would I need to? Hawking has already answered every question I’ve ever pondered about physics!”

     As if it weren’t obvious from the title, time, specifically space-time, is the central theme of the book. It’s led me to think a bit about time, and I find it most appropriate for this week’s theme.

This Week’s Theme: Time

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.” - Albert Einstein

“There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.” - Tennessee Williams

“There is only one you for all time. Fearlessly be yourself.” - Anthony Rapp

     The final quote by Anthony Rapp made me tear up. It’s something I “needed” to hear today.

“A Tapestry” – A Poem

     It’s been nearly five years since I’ve written a poem. I stopped writing poetry around the time I started. My trash of cutting, suicide, and of my friends’ mirroring issues dramatized and resented because their poetry was better than mine was the only thing my twelve year old chute spewed. My creative outlet was limited to stories of wolves basking in the perfection of their Utopian planet, my gift to them. My father’s gift was a shot down from its reality of worldly depression.

     My love is a poet, whether or not he knows it. He is the entire definition of amazement on page 207, his first passage only the beginning. The proof is taped into celluloid from three days before I imprisoned him months ago. His bravery was one of the first things I found attractive about his being; his tongue landscaping a minute sunny maid was not a piece of his entity no matter the arousal it sprung.
     Always asking what I love of him, maybe now he’s caught a glimmer of the diamond I see when I look at him. Man is bvt a worm; Jonathan is the single diamond in the rough dirt—to me.

     Fears diminish in his presence, the range of bathing suits on the beach to comfort with my nudity is shocking news of a victim. Sexuality is my scaliest fear, those old snakes are still slithering about my island of self-deceit. With machete in tow, he cuts them away and tosses them into the forth flowing canals leading to the Lake of the Dead.
     The arrogant slayer of all my fear, then the noble shining hero of this proud damsel in distress. What Princess doesn’t fall for the Knight, what Princess doesn’t brand him her muse? Fairy tales only work in a single way.

A Tapestry

17 April 2010

Draped in your dark clothes where my comfort exists
Covering my transparent polar bear skin.
Your grey, brown, and burgundy hues collapse into me
Colliding, politely, as a unit of bursts
Rainbows—that’s what I’m thinking.

I’m guessing this is a poem of protection: by clouds
Another one of me, floating around
In love with kisses, skin, and you
And of course
Your grey, brown, and burgundy hues.