Sunday, May 31, 2009

I have a serious problem

(Originally written on May 31st, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

Me: (2:07:49 AM) GOD I LOVE SPOCK
My Friend: (2:08:47 AM) HES PRETTY CUTE
Me: (2:08:56 AM) I FKN KNOW
Me: (2:09:37 AM) I got all bothered in the shower thinking about how many members there might be to a star trek forums community rofl
Me: (2:09:42 AM) jk obv but it did cross my mind
My Friend: (2:10:39 AM) lmao
Me: (2:10:49 AM) I just can't get over him
Me: (2:11:01 AM) I think it's a serious problem when all you think about is spock and you're a 16 year old girl
My Friend: (2:11:02 AM) can we talk about it?
Me: (2:11:02 AM) UGH FML
Me: (2:11:05 AM) CAN WE?!?
My Friend: (2:11:07 AM) lol

and then

Me: (2:11:50 AM) oh spock
Me: (2:11:52 AM) wherever you are!
Me: (2:11:55 AM) warp to me plz!
My Friend: (2:11:58 AM) lmao
Me: (2:12:07 AM) I want a shirt
Me: (2:12:08 AM) omfg
Me: (2:12:10 AM) that says
Me: (2:12:18 AM) "I only date half-vulcans"
Me: (2:12:21 AM) OMFG I MADE A SHIRT
My Friend: (2:12:29 AM) lmao

NEW AGENDA: Find and marry Spock.

Monday, May 11, 2009

To the still suffering addict and those that self mutilate:

(Originally written on May 11th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

     Some of you may not know, but I go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I started going over a year ago with my biological mother to support her when she realized she had a drug addiction. As I kept going, I realized I was getting something from it, quite unexpectedly. The number one thing about NA is carrying the message to the still suffering addict, and in her short clean time, she carried that message to me. It was just luck that I had not cut myself within that time frame. Unfortunately, she stopped going and is back in active addiction.

     Recently I've started going again. It's been a year, and I'm still clean because of the things I learned the short time I spent at NA. I've realized a few things already, one being that when the time is right, I need to suck it up and try my hardest to carry the message back to my biological mother. I truly believe the most important person is the still suffering addict, and when I have that moment of silence at every meeting I think of how lucky and grateful I am to have gotten guidance with my addiction.

     You're probably wondering why I attend NA when I have a self mutilation addiction. Well to be quite honest, there are no support groups whatsoever that support self mutilation in Orlando, or even Florida that I know of. I've researched it, and there is a Self Mutilators Anonymous, and you can even create your own branch of an SMA meeting in your local area. I'm sure you can figure out where I'm going from here.

     It breaks my heart when I think of those still suffering, especially with the addiction I personally hold close to heart. I know how difficult it is to deal with it and not have the knowledge to recognize it as a real addiction. Many times I was told to just stop, just STOP. But you cannot just STOP an addiction, it's something that will be with you for the rest of your life, something you have to surrender to, so it doesn't consume you. You can, however, live a clean life, free from active addiction. You can walk the path I am today. In the end, we are all addicts, and we are all the same.

     For years I've felt that I was put on this planet to do something, but I wasn't sure what. I didn't feel like I deserved the life I got, so I realized that my life is the way it is so I can teach and help others be strong like me. I was lucky, I was born arrogant and brave. I strive every day to do the greater good for the greater number, and I am never a part of that number. I will gladly humiliate myself to help someone in need, especially an addict.

     I've come to the conclusion that one of my life callings is to start at least one branch of SMA in Orlando, FL. I will stick with this even if it takes me years to do so, because they really do have no one to go to unlike those suffering from addiction to alcohol or narcotics. I was lucky enough to find a home amongst those in NA, and am extremely grateful that they took me in when I literally had no place else to go. NA has saved and changed my entire life, and will continue to do so long after I'm dead for others. I hope SMA can do the same for those like me.

     If you're interested in the process of my creation of an SMA branch, let me know. I can keep you updated on the status, but I will warn you - this will take time. Also, if you are a still suffering addict from any addiction, I will do my best to help you in complete confidentiality. If you need a list of meetings (especially NA, which I have a definite physical list of), I will gladly supply you with as much help as I can give.

Just for today: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction. I will surrender to win.

Disclaimer: I am not speaking on the behalf of NA or any other organization, I am simply speaking on how it has affected and changed my personal life.