Happy birthday, my love.

Happy                      Birthday.

Thank you for forever being my grandeur.

You’ve taught me so much already.

I love you.

Happy 40th Birthday Daddy

-~-~-~-

     It’s strange, when it comes to the crossing of your borderline, things come to pass with little ease; the meat shipments less raw overall. I respect you as an Übermensch, how could I not quiver by the possibility of your inspectional judgment? However, thank you for severing your arms for me all the times you did, and I imagine will again. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity of striving to weave my own tightrope with your sharpened bones. And thank you for trusting me to dance across it without a fear.

-----

Withheld and the Übermensch

     I’m still wearing you even though I’m angry with myself. I wish I knew how to tell you all the things I feel I need to, but perhaps it’s a good thing I lack bravery in this respect because I’m not unleashing the dog you don’t deserve.
     It’s subconsciously the Epictetus thing, and now I ask: should tallies be drawn for a recorded example of my overcoming self? Am I not dangling from the tightrope, but fleeting across it with as much grace possible, save my lacking a balance beam?

     Until I cut off my arms, or until I invite someone to carve them free of my corpse, I will always be my only balance. No one will save us. No one will cross over my tightrope, or dance upon the same one. There will be no opportunity for a fellow aspiring enthusiast to toss me a piteous beam.
     If we throw our beams we sacrifice our axis. We need an arm to sever one off, and what’s the use of a single thrown arm disproportionate to my own? I will always be my only balance, always?

-~-~-~-

Photographic Progression

     The other day I got to thinking about the date, and was surprised at how quickly January passed by. It always seems like the seasons are rushing into the next, just begging to collide for the ultimate collision of apocalypse.

     My dad always says, "After Thanksgiving, it's all over. It'll be my birthday right after that, then your birthdays... then repeat. Damn I'm getting old." His birthday is actually in March, but it appears in the blink of an eye. Just as my birthday does during the summer, and then my brother's not a month later. My dad is obviously being a little dramatic, but it sure feels like his saying holds truth.

     It's been over six months since I turned seventeen, and already so much has changed. It feels like I was in Myrtle Beach and Savannah just yesterday, how I desperately wish I was in Savannah right now with someone I love wasting my time away.

     On the other hand, it feels like I've been seventeen forever. All the events that have taken place are too many for a lifetime, let alone a couple of measly months. It hasn't even ended, so it's not like it's over. But this road hasn't forked yet either.

     When I look at photographs of myself, I'm not even sure exactly who I'm looking at. It looks like me in slight similarities, the resemblance might appear more obvious to outside opinions. When I look into the mirror in the present day, I see a tainted self. In older photos, I see the tiny brushstrokes of my horrors, rearing their ugly head in my pseudo-smiles, forced upon me. I didn't look at a single picture last night or this morning that didn't remind me of something dreadful.

     Not many of my friends have seen photographs of me when I was a child, purposely. I hadn't looked at them for years, I only recently got the courage to face the beginning of my becoming. It still hurts to see myself and wonder if the day a particular photo was taken, was one of the days I was ruthlessly conquered. I detach from the girl in the photographs, she was never Gloria Alexis until she became me. Still, I fervently feel sorry for her, and I wish that she hadn't suffered.

I don't look anything like I do the day I was born. I think it's weird my eyes were black, too, considering how light they are now. I've always heard that a lot of babies are born with light eyes that turn dark, but I've never heard of the opposite happening.

My dad and me, in 1992. (The year I was born.) I'm not sure how many months old I was.

My dad and me in 1993. I doubt I was even a year old.

1993, I was probably a year old by this point.

1994, almost two years old.

Guessing this was in 1995, I have no idea who's cat that is or who's house I'm in either. I'm going to guess I was two or three in this photo.

Likely in 1995, at three. That's my grandmother, also. I had put a band-aid on the car because I felt sorry for it, and someone took a photo.

This was during one of the years I attended preschool, I believe. I am not sure on the year or my age.

My graduation from preschool at Circle C Ranch, where my grandmother taught for years, in either 1996 or 1997. The certificate says, "For mastering age appropriate skills," which is sickening if pondered on cynically. Anyway, it's kind of funny to look at this photo and think of the year Antichrist Superstar was released (1996). Haha.

This photo had me laughing hysterically when I discovered it. I couldn't help but think, "Wow, so I've always thought evolution was cool!" As if this photograph couldn't show my obvious excitement for dinosaurs, I loved all things that had to do with animals, life, and volcanoes. I think this was the Christmas of 1996 or 1997.

1999, at my brother Kirk's first birthday party. My grandfather on my dad's side is next to me.

Assuming this was in 1999, on my driveway.

My brother Kirk and me in 2003, the year we moved to Orlando. I was eleven and in the sixth grade. (Yes, that is me in the reflection taking a photo of the framed photograph.)

 Dated, obviously.

Twelve and in the seventh grade, 2004. This was probably the absolute worst time period of my life because of how poorly equipped I was to deal with the going-on's. I obviously changed quite a bit in appearance from just a year before, it definitely reflected my attitude and how I was dealing with what was going on inside.

The first day of 8th grade, in August of 2005. I was thirteen, and had a slightly nicer haircut than the year before. Also, a bit more style, haha. (I still have that tie, it's awesome.)

February of 2006, in Ybor City with my friend Ashley (and mom, who took the photo). I was thirteen, and this was the night that I met my still best friend Dave. (Click here for a photo of that moment captured, it's one of my most cherished photos. Dave is the one in the back, next to me on the far left. The guy in the very front is also a close friend of mine that I met that night, Snowflake.)

June of 2006, I was thirteen, almost fourteen, and had shaven my eyebrows off. This was just days before I got my lip pierced.

October of 2006, I was fourteen.

May of 2007 at fourteen. This was one of the lowest points of my life because I lost my formal education, and I think the picture says it all though.

March of 2008, I was fifteen. Interestingly enough, after my lowest of lows, I reach the high end. Okay, end cheesy Manson references, but really this is when I truly started crafting myself instead of letting the world mold me. This picture is also a great example of what I meant earlier when I mentioned how strange it is that my eyes turned so light.

May of 2009, I was sixteen.

August of 2009, on vacation in Myrtle Beach. I had just turned seventeen a few days prior.

Later in August of 2009, seventeen still of course. This was the first step in my current "hair goal" process.

Yesterday. I'll be eighteen in less than six months.

Happy birthday mom!

Dear mom,

            Happy birthday! And since I believe in birthdays being a big deal for the mother too, happy Stephanie’s birthday Mema, haha.

            Thank you for all the wonderful things you do and are, and thank you most of all for being you. Thank you for being my mom.

            I'm not sure what else to say that wouldn't be boring repetition, so I'm going to fill this space up with some favorite memories of you—

1. I think my first memory of you is from when I was just a little girl, maybe three or four. You came over and said you were going to take me to the aquarium, and I was so excited to go, but I was really excited to spend time with you alone. I think that was one of the first times we did, you must have been barely eighteen at that point. Anyway, I remember you or Lisa telling me there would be sharks there, and I was terrified! I turned and ran down the hall, and somehow skidded across the carpet on my knees. Good first experience of carpet burn, haha. Anyway, we went to the aquarium a few days later and I remember some song playing in the car that I can't recall off the top of my head, but I knew if I heard it again I'd know instantly. Funnily enough, I don't really remember the actual aquarium visit, haha. Or seeing the dreaded sharks.

2. I remember one Christmas, one of the best ones we had, you and Mema came over with a ton of presents. Really though, it wasn't about the presents, the best thing about that Christmas was spending it with the people I cared about most. You, my dad, Kirk, Sandra, and Mema. One of my most vivid memories of that day was that you had everything in clothing boxes all wrapped up, so everything looked the same, haha. I think Mema did too, you probably went shopping together or something, or wrapped together. That year I got a Sega Dreamcast from my dad which was really amazing, and I most clearly remember that from you I got The Legend of Zelda for my Gameboy Advance and the guide, which was so cool. Kids didn't have guides back then too often.
3. A few years ago on my birthday Marilyn Manson was playing in Tampa. That was one of the best days of my life, just because it was on my birthday that I got to see my biggest inspiration and influence. It seemed like fate, were fate to exist. Anyway, I’m really glad you went with me, that was a lot of fun.

4. Savannah!! Enough said, that was one of the best times of my life, by far. I loved that town, I can’t even explain why. Escaping there was amazing, especially with someone as awesome as you. We had so much fun both times we were there in the summer of 2009. That’s definitely a summer I’ll never forget. Seeing Miley Cyrus, waiting outside Paula Dean’s, going on the ghost tour and listening to that scary recording… remember how I was the only one brave enough to open the door in the haunted house, the door to the room where the girl on the recording was murdered? Haha, that was pretty extreme of me. I’d imagine that without you and my dad I’d never have courage to do things like that, or anything else that called for bravery. Thank you for always teaching me to stare something right in the face when I’m scared, it’s helped me so many times before and will help me so many times in the future, guaranteed.

5. What about the time you gave me the best gift ever, Portal? I freaked out beyond belief when you got me that, haha. It’s interesting too, I freaked out over a $15 used video game, but I wasn’t screaming or floundering when you got me my first desktop computer, or a laptop this past year. Or that amazing HK bag from New York, haha. I am definitely weird.

6. Remember when we made our “bucket list”? That was pretty humorous. I just found it a few weeks ago, I think it’s on my old laptop. I’m going to try and pull that back out of the woodworks again, we should get on it! Anyway, as well as that night we’ve had many awesome nights that I’ve spent at your house, too many to count and recall individually here if I even could.
7. You teaching me how to drive was extremely illegal, but regardless I had an amazing time. I never would have done that with my dad, I would have been way too nervous and he probably would have been too (sorry Daddy). It was really awesome that you let me drive around all night, for hours, until the sunrise. I didn’t even know how to drive! I had only driven a few times before, around neighborhoods going ten miles an hour. Only once before had I driven on a road, and it was a short little jaunt with my dad to get into another neighborhood. But no, you let me trek all the way to Winter Park, Casselberry, Altamonte Springs… we went all over that night, how many food joints did we stop at? I remember McDonalds, and Steak & Shake.. we stopped at a few gas stations too I think, haha.
8. BIRTHDAY PARTIES. The party you threw me at your house years ago was so much fun, I can vividly remember putting make-up on Carlos, haha. Or when I bobbed for apples, I don’t even think I got one. That was a good time.

(No editing, got to run!)

Happy birthday Marilyn Manson

"Tell me something beautiful, 
Tell me something free, 
Tell me something beautiful 
And I wish that I could be."

     You've been an inspirational influence on me for six years in counting. I could speculate "what if"'s all day long on how things might be different if my dad hadn't played The Matrix soundtrack for me when he did, but the truth is I'm not sure where I'd be right now had he not.

     People—my dad included, interestingly enough—have frequently claimed I would have found you anyway eventually, found atheism, found critical and analytical thinking. Even if that were true I'd be pushed back a lot farther than I am now, and although my discovery was up to chance I feel a compelling need to credit you—and my few other influences, not all of celebrity status, one being Maynard—in some way to shaping me what I have become so far and will become in the future. I don't think they realize perhaps I want to bestow you with this honor, I choose to, shall I become something great, something credible. Hopefully I will do enough of the "right" things to craft my person into something incredible, as that's where my sights are set.

     So I thank you Manson, for opening my eyes when they so desperately needed to be peeled back and blinded by white. I especially thank you for prying them open every day of agony I have ever faced in reminiscence of my childhood, showing me the truth in my horrors although it made me weep on countless occasions. I can recall every pang of pain I have endured inspired by your music, art, work, etc., being welcomed with conscious open arms.

"I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being. . .
. . .Here is my real head, here is my real head
I wear this fucking mask because you cannot handle me."

     Thank you for songs like "Kinderfeld" and "Organ Grinder", thank you for recognizing sexual childhood abuse, self mutilation, the faults of Christianity and religion, thank you for being brave when I couldn't, when we couldn't. Thank you for saying "shoot up the mall, the school, the president of whatever, and whoever else wants to fights", despite them censoring the capabilities of your statement. As juvenile as the line can come across, I'm sure those of us that have heard the real version of "Blank and White" can recognize the strength and importance in what you were saying. I'm sure we—those that wish to fight—all hope and strive to live in the light of your legacy, I hope we won't disappoint by standing in your shadow that you've sold to millions of others. I hope I won't disappoint. Your help and guidance, although accepted by me for it to lend my heart a holding hand, has changed my life forever. I knew from the very moment I heard "Rock is Dead" that things would never be the same. I felt something powerful, something new to me and the world. You were something I wanted to be near, or be just like.

     Just yesterday my friend Sarah pointed out that I idolized you, Manson, and commented on how that was silly. In actuality, I don't idolize you at all and the idea of idolizing you has never crossed my mind. I do not idolize anyone because I know any place of standing in the world is within my steps if only I move my feet. Idolizing is for the weak and blind, idolizing is also for the even sadder individuals who do not want to work hard enough to get what they could claim. Not doing what one is capable of is worse by personal opinion than not being capable at all.

     My feelings of you are that of an influence, which I regard as the highest honor you can hold someone. I allow you to influence me, something I wish the parents of Denver, CO and the rest of the world would recognize, in ways that I choose. You influence me to be strong when I feel my weakest, but you do not influence me to do drugs, for two simple examples amongst many. The elaboration could continue on, but my point is we all pick and choose what to do with our influences, there is no force within the spectrum. Blindness for any reason is not a plausible, defensible force that I'll believe in, either.

     You may not need or want it, but I felt defense of my influence was necessary today. Everyone deserves to relax one day a year, and if a little slack comes with a birthday, so be it— I'd take advantage, I do every year in fact. Happy birthday.

-----

MARILYN MANSON - OMEGA MESSAGE 015

7.29.99

It is time for their world to be destroyed. It is time for a new age, the Age of Horus. It is time for a new standard, a new canvas, and a new artist. We must forget this wasted generation and amputate it before the mind rots away with it. Paint it, record it, write it down before they kill you with their slow poisonous stupidity. Make yourself heard.

This Internet is your middle finger to the universe, don't let them break it.

Fuck their world. Let's make our own.

The third and final Beast
Marilyn Manson

What it's like to love on Adderall

     When I first started taking Adderall a few months ago, my best friend—or so I'd still like to consider her—told me to remember something very important. She advised, "While taking it you may feel like you want to talk to everyone, people you normally wouldn't. People you don't like, people that don't like you, maybe even your ex's. You need to control yourself and not talk to them no matter how much of a good idea it sounds like."

     Within the first few days on the medication I knew exactly what she was talking about. Perfect example, I had an urge to text my first serious boyfriend to tell him that I saw someone that looked just like him—which I really did—but I knew deep down underneath the "medication happiness" that I wouldn't normally even consider doing that, and that he really didn't care. (See here for what he thinks of me.)

     Besides talking to crazy ex's though that obviously hate me, I'm starting to believe there's no reason to not take advantage of the confidence Adderall gives me to speak to people I have problems with. So what if they don't get anything out of it and tell me to piss off? I know I'm doing something positive that makes me feel good, and most importantly it will make some others feel good, the ones that don't lash back at me immaturely. I have to remind myself that I'm not taking Adderall recreationally, I'm taking it because without it I'm not the complete person I was meant to be. Therefore, if I was born "normal" without any disorders like ADD/ADHD, I would be this happy, outgoing, forgiving, loving person that I know I was meant to be.

     As you can probably tell, I am having one of those days where I feel like everyone wants to talk to me, even people that hate me. People that I have "bad shit" with. People that I don't even like. Can you really criticize me though for wanting to tell everyone in the world they are loved? Regardless of whatever they have done, and expect no repentance in return?

You are loved, I love you.

Dedicated to my friend, the one I mentioned in the beginning.

(She and me on my birthday at Rainforest Cafe.)

Turning 17 & Rated R Movies

    Seeing rated R movies has always been a hot topic in my country with teenagers, simply because you have to be 17 to see them without an adult (and usually, it has to be a parent). At first, it's the irritation that you rarely sneak into these movies successfully before you turn 17, and even if you do you're still mad you had to do so to begin with. Although, let's be honest, it's the law and we should follow it.

    For some, the excitement is being able to even see these R rated movies. Some parents don't let their teens see them until they are even old enough to alone. For most of us though we are just glad we can finally see these movies without our parents, may it be alone or with friends. (What's worse than having a date and not being able to see the movie because you're too young-and your date can!?)

   I was very excited about being able to see rated R movies without an adult present. This is probably the milestone I was/am most excited for. 18, you're a legal adult, but I'm already treated like one. You can also buy cigarettes, but I don't smoke, and don't ever plan on starting. Among other private things, 18 isn't that big of a deal for me. 21, you get to drink, but I will never drink in life because of my recovery from addiction to self mutilation. On top of all these reasons why 17 could be the only 'cool' milestone left for me, I love movies. I mean love.

   While I was in Myrtle Beach earlier this month, I thought I'd test it out, see if they carded me. I went and saw "The Ugly Truth" with my mom, and I made sure I bought the tickets. Of course they didn't ask. Figures. I was quite disappointed.

   The other day my dad and I went to go see "The Hurt Locker", and I thought I'd try it out again. Maybe I'd have better luck in my own city. Eureka! I got typical harassment from the ticket seller, she even had someone else inspect my ID to make sure it wasn't a fake. Pretty silly, considering it wasn't. She let me purchase the tickets, and sent me on my way.

   Honestly though, being harassed like that just reminded me of all the times they [movie ticket sellers] have before when I really wasn't old enough to see the movies I was trying to get into. The anticipation wore out quick, within the extra seconds it took for the second ticket seller to check out my ID-time I could have spent inside finding a seat or using the restroom before the show-, and now I get irritated when they card me. It's such a bother.

    What made me speculate this again was today was Bianca's 17th birthday. So..

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY BIANCA!

    I hope it was a good one. :) After she got out of school we went and saw "Inglourious Basterds", directed by Quentin Tarantino ("Pulp Fiction", "Kill Bill", "Deathproof", etc). (No plot spoilers, just general opinion!) I have to say, he's definitely changed up his style a bit in this motion picture, it's a lot more typical 'movie crowd' friendly, meaning a lot more appealing to the general public and not just those that purposely seek out 'film type' motion pictures. However though, his style is definitely present, from the frequently seen random scribbles on the screen pointing out important characters and subtle details to the wacky soundtrack. Other than the countless times Bianca and I shrieked over how crazy the plot was, we also did over how the music added so much to it, even though sometimes it sounded ridiculous regardless of how oddly appropriate it was.

    It was definitely not a typical war flick, so don't go into the theater expecting that. There's a lot of character interaction and story-telling going on, but I don't think the average movie-goer would be disappointed. It does have a few gory scenes, even for a war movie, but nothing like you'd see in "Saw" or "Hostel". (Semi-spoilers ahead, but nothing character-specific.) Also surprising, only one short (seconds) sex scene! I believe also only one or two kisses.

    Overall it was an amazing film, one of the best I've seen for many reasons. Brad Pitt was really cute too. :) Look, it took me this long to mention him! Haha. :)

    So now I want you, the reader of my blog, to tell me about the first time you saw a rated R movie after you turned 17, or if you don't live in the U.S., about the rating ranks in your country! I'd love to hear and learn more about the latter. :)

Confessions of someone almost 18..

Well, not quite.

     Truth be told, I have 11 months left. 11 months and a few days.

     My 17th birthday was July 27th, but as we all know (if we put in the time to remember), the road to 18 is one quite anticipated from a young age, but quite different once on the path itself. I have discovered that for myself, and discover it more and more everyday. Through the joys and fears, I am on the road to being 18. A legal adult in my country of residence, the United States of America. This means big changes for any 'child' reaching adulthood-for me, it means college, freedom, a car (the latter which I should already have, but that's a different story). The list goes on. Bottom line is: there are no forks left here.

     I'm sure others have written their stories of travel to adulthood, but I'd like to join that number, and remind my elders it's not all easy, it's not all fun. I'd like to remind my juniors it's not all hard, and it's not all pain. There is a natural balance, and I will show it to you.

Daddy's 39th Birthday

(Originally written on March 16th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 16th, 2009.)

     March 15th was my dad's 39th birthday. :) Happy birthday!

     On Saturday (the 14th) we went to visit our family in Tampa, and they had a cook out for my dad's birthday with hamburgers, hot dogs, potato/macaroni salad, chips, etc. We had a good time, the food was really good. Mema Kay made chocolate cake and banana pudding for dessert. Kirk missed mostly everything however, my mother picked him up from the house in Tampa and he spent the night with her. I took a ton of pictures (and some videos), which I put on Flickr today.

     Today (technically yesterday because it's 1:30am, haha) we had a party here at home for my dad. Stephanie, Lisa's friend Audra, and Lisa's parents Chuck and Peggy came over. We had caesar salad, chicken marsala, and spaghetti. For dessert we had teramasou, cannolis, and gelato. I took pictures/videos today as well.

     The presents my dad got overall: G1 phone, Pizzazz pizza maker, bike gloves, bike tire gauge, lemoncello, Barnes & Noble gift card, book light, $50, and a picture I drew him with a quote of Arthur Schopenhauer.