Thursday, September 24, 2009

The addict is often the target of judgement

     I've been there before, but if I had to admit it now that I needed medication due to having Bipolar II, I would feel extremely weak. When my doctor diagnosed me as having ADD/ADHD, she even suggested that she might have misdiagnosed me years ago with the emotional disorder. Adderall should be enough to keep me happy, especially Adderall that time-releases for twelve hours, right? Why doesn't it then?

     My dad has said some pretty hurtful things to me about this before. "You get cranky at night", and "Maybe you need medication for your depression too". They may seem minute compared to things your parents may have said or done to you, but my dad and I have a very strong relationship. We have always been very understanding of each others ways. I haven't figured out why as of late, I'm the main target of his rare judgmental thoughts. In my opinion, I should be the last person he judges considering I'm his daughter, and I'm not irrational.

     I feel attacked when he—or anyone else—says things like that for two main reasons. One, everyone still treats me like I'm actively self mutilating, when I'm not. Usually I'm not treated like such in every day life, but when I get upset in any way that's when it begins. Now my emotions are exaggerated by others, when I used to be the one exaggerating them to ridiculous lengths. I suppose they're so used to it—despite it being over two years later—that they feel it's their job now to make sure everything that I go through is an irrational crisis, when it's really not. It's not even so much that they turn the event into a crisis, but they expect my reaction to be dramatic, so they act as if it is already, or as if I'm going to explode at any second.

     My second reason ties into the first. I'm expected to be happy now because I'm clean, which is fine because I typically am in a cheerful mood. I truly believe that deep down underneath all the mental disorders and traumatic experiences I was meant to be a happy, productive human being. However, now they demand without words that because I'm clean, I cannot ever be sad, upset, or angry. That "so obviously" equals relapse in their eyes, which just isn't true. I didn't work so hard to regain their trust and respect for two years, just for them to throw things back in my face once I finally feel comfortable enough to show them my emotions, whatever they may be.

     The comments and actions of others makes me want to clam up again, and not show my negative emotions because they're not accepting of them. Since the comments made by my dad, I've held back from crying on several occasions when I have been really upset, only to cry myself to sleep later. I just want to avoid more judgement, and more hurtful things being said towards me.

     I don't understand how me, out of all the types of people out there, is the one being judged. I recovered from a disease of addiction, and I'm the main target of people's judgement? Some of these people should really take a peek into their mirrors and reexamine themselves. If judgement is to exist in our world, I know I'm not the one deserving of it most.

     My point in all this is that I don't believe I need medication, I consider the few problems I do have to be pretty rational. I'm not worrying over things that will never happen, like a shark flying through my window and eating me. So why do people insist I do?


Anonymous said...

Good morning,
You have human emotions just as everyone else does. I was given the label of "Bipolar" many years ago, and it is always an issue. Over time I just don't give in to peoples stupidity, they most likely have it also. I do not know of anyone who has the right to judge others without looking in the mirror first. The problem is, they just can not see the reality of what they are looking at. You keep your emotions, every human has the same, we are just labled, so we are judged. Keep your head up, you have come a long way and don't let anyone or anything get in your way. Keep strong!!!!!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. My younger brother is the same way. He is an alcoholic and drug user and anytime he gets upset, my parents think he will fall off the wagon. Of course, getting upset does not mean that. It is a natural progression of emotion. And, being on any kind of medication to "help" you get through the day to day drudgery of life is not a bad thing, especially if you need it!

Girl with the Broken Smile said...

thanks alexis, i sure do hope so too xox

Alexis! said...

Anonymous 11:30 AM- Thank you for your sweet comment :)

Lee- Your comment is very kind Lee, I definitely know how your brother feels, except that I'm not longer using (you implied he is). You're absolutely right though, if medication is needed, there is no shame in that. I have no problem taking my Adderall because I believe truly do need that. However, there's just more proof for needing something to do with learning than there is for needing something to deal with emotions, in my opinion. There's a big line with little grey area when it comes to having ADD/ADHD or not, but a fine line when it comes to differentiating not being able to deal with emotions healthily, and actually needing medication for uncontrollable emotions. That's my struggle now, especially since I've always tried to be the one in control—my addiction is proof of that—I'm less likely to give in and admit I need another drug's help. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to stop by (sorry I chatted your ear off), I love your blog. :)