Monday, September 7, 2009

"Curse Words" & dealing with a trigger

"Do you think that I wouldn't say this? You know that I play this better than you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you too." - Marilyn Manson 
(Song: "Mutilation is the Most Sincere Form of Flattery")

     When I'm angry, I curse to vent my frustration in a way less harmful than self mutilation, which in my diseased mind, is the option I should be choosing. You would imagine that reasoning would be enough for people to accept it without fuss, but I guess they're just selfish and care too much about their "little ears"—oh wait, everyone I associate with is either an adult, or just about—to respect that. "Can you please not curse so much while I... -insert nothing here, because there is no excuse as to why I shouldn't be able to curse under the circumstances that sentence was started during-."

     Now I'm sitting here with a trigger riding my back and my sponsor is at a meeting that's half over, where I should be as well. I was "too tired" to go, and likely had no ride, so those were my excuses. Now I realize I should have taken into consideration how "tired" I was/am of my disease, which would have greatly outweighed any physical exhaustion I could ever build up. I'm not going to feel guilty over that because it'd be a waste of time, I learned that a long time ago. Still, that doesn't decrease my desire any less to drown in the guilt of my pathetic excuses and get even more worked up to the point of possible relapse.

     I hate that something as minute as a remark or foul expression can make me want to hurt myself. How does that work? Oh yeah, that's why it's a DISEASE you thousands, millions maybe, of "organizations" that claim self mutilation can be treated. You know what? Go fuck yourself, and I'll help those you're torturing with false hope. (Note all the emphasis in this paragraph, that's how you can "read in between the lines" and know I'm frustrated because I write like I speak.)

     It's interesting because I didn't think I was cursing that much when I reflected on the conversation. I don't go out of my way to curse, I believe and know they're just words. It's rare for it to even cross my mind that a majority of society considers them "bad words". The only time it ever really does is if I'm around children old enough to understand. Example, I curse around Royal, but not excessively. I know my boundaries, but adults, really?

     "Respect your elders." That's all fine and dandy, and no pun intended, but I'll respect that. However, it was acknowledged that I was angry, and yet I was still approached in a fashion that told me "they're trying to shut you down, so you shut them out."

     After I wrote that last paragraph I realized what I have just accomplished. In the many years of my addiction I have not been able to put my disease's requests into words, despite my frequent attempts (this is something that those "organizations" suggest you try, although it obviously doesn't cure anything if you can even get a "true" voice to come out). Yet in a second of infuriation while in the midst of a trigger, it came out, surprisingly calm and crystal clear. It came through me, basically through my mouth except I wasn't orally speaking. Regardless, it doesn't matter. I have realized that I can be my disease's voice without blood being shed. Of course I've been told that, but I rarely have revelations from other's mouths as opposed to my lessons learned.

     My trigger is almost over, I think that working on all the photos I've taken this Labor Day weekend will wash it back into the abyss of my "disease" section in my mind. One thing for sure that could rip me back into the darkness would be being approached negatively by someone in my house, or another bitch on Facebook trying to be witty.

"Cursing is like smoking. I should probably stop because it makes me appear unlady-like, [but] I just don't care."
"My ex told me my cursing was unattractive because I'm a girl. I should have told him to fuck off, but of course I didn't. Now I curse more than ever." - A. Mullino
(To be made into a PostSecret.)


BiNkYb0xEr said...

I love the last quote, even my dad chuckled.

Alexis! said...

lol :) Ironically I put that into words RIGHT before this incident happened. WEIRD, huh?

SarahBeth0991 said...

Alexis I am VERY proud of you! And you should be of yourself (and I think you are) You were pushed tonight. And from the sounds of it very nearly off the edge. But you held on. You fought like hell. You overcame. Rejoice in that. And know you have another crazy ass bitch about a mile and a half up the road who loves you dearly and is always around. Even if all you need, or want, is a hug!

Alexis! said...

Thank you Sarah, I am proud of myself. :) Thank you for being there for me too! You're a really great friend, better than some I've had for YEARS!

Kathryn said...

hey, i still love reading your blog and im nominating you for an award in my latest post (which I'm writing now) enjoy!

Alexis! said...

Thank you so much! I'll post a blog about it soon :)

Girl Meets Gun said...

I was just clicking links upon link and came upon your page.

I don't really talk about my personal life on my blog, because...I'm trying to stay away from it, but I have the "disease" too. I am 24. I'm glad you're taking the initiative to stop now, because no one ever helped me. I can relate to you on this, and I'll tell you now, no one that DOESN'T do it, DOESN'T understand.

Therefore, rely on the people that DO understand (whether through drug, alcohol, or mutilation addiction) and want to help. Your sponsor, of course.

Great blog, btw.

Alexis! said...

You're absolutely right, no one understands unless they've done it. It's easy to forget that sometimes though, at least for me. I suppose I just expect more than I can.

It's ironic that I read this now because I just got off the phone with my sponsor. :) Pretty crazy.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment :)