Saturday, August 29, 2009

I hope you're feeling today.

Sometimes we forget those with addictions can experience emotions normally once again.

Why is it that as addicts we are expected to start having "normal"-which is a nice word for "positive"-emotions once we're clean such as happiness, excitement, and hope. However, when it comes to negative emotions, people completely forget how they are just as "normal" as positive emotions. It is okay for me to be sad, angry, or stressed. As stated, these are "normal", and completely acceptable by those in society without any past problem, such as an addiction. Yet when I, an addict, go through any of these types of feelings in the presence of others, they start treating me like an active addict again. Untrustworthy, mentally unstable, and a danger to myself with the possibility of being so to others as well. Often my peers even treat whatever emotion I'm showing them as if it is more dramatic than its true nature. Sadness turns into depression, anger turns into rage, stressed turns into suicidal.

I am here to enlighten you that I will be okay. I cannot speak for all addicts, but I can speak for myself. I have over two years clean, and it wasn't a ride filled with all smiles. It may seem like it was to you, but that's only because I was nervous about showing my negative emotions to others during the beginning of my recovery. I didn't want people to jump to conclusions that I had relapsed again since I had very little clean time under my belt. A reaction like that could have upset me to the point that I might have relapsed after-the-fact from being in such a fragile state. I feel confident enough now in my ability to not relapse to show my emotions and risk the reactions. Still, I long for respect.

So here I am now, being treated the same way I used to fear. The difference is that this time nothing will take away my recovery, especially something that's so miniscule in affliction to me now as this. Regardless, it still hurts, sometimes even worse because I have no way of release.

My request to those in any type of relationship with an addict, may it be a friendship, a romance, a fellow employee, is this: if the addict you're acquainted with is truly taking great strides in trying to regain your trust and respect, it is more than likely genuine. If you feel uneasy-which is only to be expected-politely question their clean time. Longer lengths of clean time (of course its all relevant to what you consider a long time, but be reasonable) can sometimes make you feel more confident in trusting them again.

Not to say that just because you have a longer amount of clean time means that you're actually becoming better mentally and spiritually, however I personally believe it is more likely. Although, even those with twenty years clean can relapse. Regardless, our request is still the same. All we ask is that you give us a second.. or millionth chance. Please.

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