Friday, January 1, 2010

Someone had to go this far.

            It’s hard to believe it has been ten years since ten years ago.
            How ridiculous does that sound?
It’s baffling to think of all that has changed in my life within a single decade. I haven’t even been alive for two, and already my life has lead into so many directions, only to weave in and out of traffic into another. Scarily, many different turns have been made without a final destination in mind.
Somehow I survived, but I’m not thanking anyone.

            For once, I don’t feel like reflecting. I don’t even feel it necessary to.
I believe I’ve learned something.
Constant reflection is just as counter-productive as never gazing into the past at all. “And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” [Friedrich Nietzsche]
I’ve recognized the necessity of facing my past to be able to whole-heartedly accept it, but now I have also had light shed on another truth: I cannot ever allow the past to consume me, even for a sole dangerous second.
Since I am mainly focusing on myself in history, I am easily mirrored into the present just by gazing, which is dangerous even with reason for peering at all.
I must tread lightly for now, until everything is over with. This mainly includes acceptance and writing my autobiography.
Tearing myself apart for the aforementioned to be completed feels relative to how the actual events affected me originally, sometimes worse because I am more knowledgeable than I was as a child. It’s simple for me to resent situations at a greater ease, but that doesn’t mean that I do.

I completed all my new years resolutions for 2009, but I think my best accomplishments of this past year have all been something greater than what I intended to do. In comparison to my successes, my listed resolutions seem silly in their mediocrity, as if written by a ten year old. I think it’s safe to say I’m too young to live this life.

This time next decade I’ll have a Ph. D, or close to it. That’s frightening in a way, because it promises with guarantee that so much will change from now until then, possibly even more dramatically than the time span of seven to seventeen. Part of me thinks I won’t be able to handle that, but then I know deep down that unless someone murders me within the next ten years, I’ll be unstoppable from there on out.
Hell, I am unstoppable now, I always have been. I’ve always just stopped myself for one reason or another. To elaborate, I have never lost anything, I gave things away. Even control, I gave willingly. I admit but I do not submit.

Walking away from 2009 means I have stepped outside of my defining decade.
Stay tuned for what I do with my definition.


kissafrog69 said...

I can think of one person you can thank, yourself! As the old saying goes "You've come a long way Baby!". And you have and you can hold your head up and be proud. I am not the only one that is proud of you, there are others. You are a survior and you are going to go places. Congrats to you for being you!

Alexis! said...

Thank you

Anonymous said...

Nice post & nice blog. I love both.

Alexis! said...

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I love this post, life is ever changing and yet the past can not dictate where the future goes.. happy new year

Girl with the Broken Smile said...

Yeah, I miss Panic! at the Disco's original stuff like 'I Write Sins not Tragedies',that was a favorite. I guess with one of the band members leaving and them getting older and more mature their sound's changed. And yes, we do need something new once in a while, I know I definitely do. Thanks for your comment and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

Alexis! said...

@Julie: I'm glad you loved it. :) Happy new year to you as well!

@Girl with the Broken Smile: Someone left? I had no idea. There's this guy that works at Olive Garden here that looks just like Brandon (or however you spell his name) though, haha, he's really cute obviously. Happy new year!

RW @ TrueBeauty said...

Hi there! Just stopping by from SITS...are you sure you're only 18?? Great writing and substance! Very impressive blog :) I hope you achieve all of your goals...I am about to start my Ph.D!

Alexis! said...

@RW @ TrueBeauty: I'm not even eighteen! Haha :) I'm only seventeen right now, I'll be eighteen in July. Thank you so much for the comment, good luck on your Ph. D!!

D said...

"It’s hard to believe it has been ten years since ten years ago."

I don't know what the future holds for you, but as far as I know, this sort of feeling never goes away as long as you're paying attention. Happy New Year, and keep up the introspective balancing act!

Alexis! said...

@D: I hope this feeling never goes away, and to fulfill that hope—as when it comes to personal wishes involving growth, character, etc., we control whether we receive the things we hope or wish for—I will make sure it never strays. Happy new year to you as well, make it the very best!