Friday, October 30, 2009

Denying hysterics

     Anxiety often plagues me, even though it probably shouldn't considering I take Vyvanse every morning before my eyelids are even completely open and aware of the world. A big part of my conscience believes—or chooses to believe—that it's just excitement though, and who's to tell me I shouldn't be excited? I am a seventeen year old fairly attractive girl that's not a mother, pregnant, on drugs, in a relationship, and my life is nearly completely void of restriction on what I do when I want to do it. I am assuming so because my parents trust me enough with typical daily-do's that they let me create my own boundaries— which I do. I also don't have any problems in my life that I cannot handle alone, therefore I'm a pretty stable, free person. Or teenager, your pick depending on how much you respect me.

     I've wondered if my anxiety/excitement brews from the fact that I like building up casual events to seem like extravagant evenings that only exist in fairy tales. A perfect example is watching movies at home. For the majority of the time we spend together, a friend of mine comes over at night and we watch at least one movie that we've typically decided on earlier in the afternoon. Throughout the entire day I'll pump myself up about the movie, repeating in my head and out-loud to anyone who's willing to listen about how amazing and kickass this cinematic experience is going to be, even if I think I won't like the movie or if I've already seen it. On occasion, I'll even try to get him pumped about it, by talking about it if we happen to be on the phone, or texting him asking him if he's as excited as I am, silly stuff like that. This is irrelevant to my point, but by the time the movie ha actually made it into the DVD player, I am so ecstatic for something that's really not that exciting that I sit on the edge of the couch for a good fifteen minutes into the movie. I'm almost to the point of being unable to contain myself. Eventually though, whoever I'm watching the movie with gets me to relax and sit back. Regardless of my calmed exterior, I still hop up several times throughout the movie—even if I'm thoroughly enjoying it—finding things to run around the house and do "real quick".

     I learned in my days of active addiction that making small things seem greater makes the greater things seem unrealistic in how wonderful they are. Turning events like going out to get ice cream with my dad every night, something so simple and insignificant to the bigger picture of my life, provided me something to look forward to, and in a sense, a reason to live. I was on a daily suicide mission that was never followed through with, and I firmly believe it's because of things like this that it never was, but because of the build-up I gave this nightly outing, I will remember them as a whole, therefore making them part of the "bigger picture". It helped me a great deal in gathering the strength to dig myself out of the abyss I knew all too well.

     This truly is all over the place, I'm spazzing right now. Some days are worse than others for me as far as anxiety level, or excitement, or whatever. I'm not exactly sure why, I've even exercised today, even if it was only a few mile bike ride before it began to rain too hard for me to ride safely. I am assuming today however it is because of my sugar intake, which has been a lot higher than it normally is. I had two cups of Coke earlier today—I cannot remember the last time I've drank Coke by the way, I don't drink soda anymore—and my dad's girlfriend Lisa brought me iced coffee this afternoon unexpectedly. She said I could save it for later, but it's pretty hard to save iced coffee because for one the ice would melt, and saved coffee in any form never tastes the same later. She also brought me a brownie which I've taken a few nibbles of, which is of course more sugar.

     I had pizza for lunch, another rarity in my diet. I'm sure sugar is somehow in that. Oh and I had cake. Damn, that is a lot of sugar today... I have had half a smart water though, so maybe that could flush some of it out? I definitely need to drink the rest of that water now that my coffee is gone. I know when I am in the process of consuming sugar and I start to slow down with the speed of intake that I've probably had too much, I just wish I had realized that earlier before it took me an hour to drink a small cup of coffee. My body really isn't used to sugary things anymore, and with Vyvanse, or any type of ADD/ADHD medication in my system, it can really send me into overdrive mode where my focus is on the borderline of not even useful anymore because the only thing circulating in my brain is all those organized thoughts already in existence, but then they start becoming warped again and I am in hysterics. It's so close to the abyss of relapse, it's insane, but without the relapse desire. Almost. Sometimes I seriously consider relapse when I'm like this because I know it'd calm me down real quick, but I still recognize that it's not worth it because I haven't been triggered by something I might find convincing enough. I cannot imagine the terrible things that could happen if I were to be like this and be triggered. I feel drunk, high, insane, bi-polar, excited, happy, nervous, anxious, like an addict all at once right now, and I'm hardly any of those things. I feel crazy, but I know it's not my fault. Yet in a sense it is. I just forgot to control myself, let's write that line down in the book of "famous last words", okay? I really did forget though.

     If you took notice, this started out as me trying to construct something that appeared calm and collected, when in reality I have been neither the entire two hours I've been trying to write this and make sense of the topic— denying my anxiety. Towards the end I just let it go freelance style, which something I never do, let alone publish. But I'll be daring—more daring that starting a sentence with "but", which is a big "no-no" in my world of style of grammar rules—and let it be known that sometimes I'm a little crazy too.

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