Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Place of mentality

     A spectator's glimpse into my mind isn't the same as asking me personally about where I'm at mentally.

     Place of mentality is something that I believe is crucial to frequently inquire children about. Unfortunately however, parents habitually waste their time badgering their children about insignificant details of who they were with that night, and where. Of course you should always know where your children are and who they are with, but with age and maturity, the questions should gradually ease at a respectful pace of growth.

     Back to my point, I haven't been this depressed in years, I actually haven't been this depressed since I was in my prime years of self mutilation addiction. The desire to hunt for a razor blade pangs at my sides with every heavy half-breath that lifts my rib cage, and only causes additional physically painful sobs to ensue while I mentally fight the nearly impossible battle of being sucked back into the darkness. Do you really know how hard it is to not give into something your mind is compelling you do?

     I'm at the point now where one of the reasons I want to relapse is just because it'd make some actual sense. I don't understand how I can be miserable to this extreme degree on a daily basis without self mutilation co-existing within my life.

     I'm just tired of people having the idea in their head that reading COSA18 is the same thing as asking me how I'm really doing. Reading this doesn't count as a conversation at all, especially if you never bring up the topic you read about. Also, poking fun at or taking lightly anything I've blogged or Tweeted about is completely heartless. If anything were to stop me, it'd be people I care about making a joke out of me.


Anonymous said...

I have been where you are so many times. People just judge us, they don't think about what they will see if they look in the mirror at themselves. If others would take the time to put themselves where we are coming from, it would scare them to death. We are special, and we will not give into the ignorance of all of the "others". We are smarted than them in understanding who we are and what we are doing. We can stand tall, and be proud, because we do know who we are. Take Care!!!

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing person. I know the courage it took you to post that you want to cut again. You are a strong person Alexis. Don't ever forget that. Having been down the road of addiction, having been a self mutilator myself, I know how hard it is to deny yourself those urges. But look at you! Look how long you have been going strong. I find that when my urges come back and I feel that I can't hold out anymore the best thing for me to do is call a good friend. I don't tell them why I called. I just tell them I want to talk. And when that friend is a good one they will just listen and talk and help you get your mind off that urge.

her . said...

i know the feeling. ive been here before, many times and even given in a couple times. life can be hard, and it sucks chicken balls, but you have to be strong. strength is definately the only thing that will no doubt get you through any of lifes crappy trials .

head up kiddo.

madd love .

Alexis! said...

Anonymous 2:13PM: It could scare people to see where we're coming from, but I'm glad they don't have to experience it if they're not already there. All I can do is try to make them understand. Thank you for reading and your comment.

Anonymous 2:52PM (even though I know who you are now haha): I've been trying for years to muster up the courage to call a friend. You've been a great friend to me, and lately you've truly expressed how much you care. It means so much to me, and you're one of the few people I believe I could call and talk to if I were ever brave enough to. Thank you so much. <3

"her.": I agree with you, strength is the only thing that can get me through life. Thank you so much for reminding me.