Saturday, October 17, 2009

Exhaustion

How tired does one have to be before they sleep forever?

     I'm so tired of feeling and being homeless, it's so emotionally draining. I could go back "home"--my father's house--but things haven't been the same since I first completely spoke my mind about the real situation going on there. I know I should be grateful for even having a roof over my head as an option, but everyone is fully aware that when it comes to personal problems, people are very selfish, and could care little about starving, homeless children in foreign countries. It's absolutely necessary though to be selfish while trying to solve problems, otherwise they're only ever going to be half-solved at best. This is one of those times for me. This my life's problems, and I'm trying to deal with in a healthy manner. Any attempts made to make me feel guilty will never phase me, guilt doesn't exist in my persona. Regardless, guilt never changes anyone's minds anyway, it only makes them shut up for a little while.

     I'm so tired of my family treating me like the Elmer's glue that should hold us together. If they didn't realize it in grade school, Elmer's glue isn't the most reliable glue. Not that it doesn't try to make things stick together, it's just not strong enough to bear heavy burdens outside it's capabilities, but no one can blame Elmer. It wasn't created to hold things beyond it's realm of thin printer paper together. I am a lot like Elmer's glue, in the sense that it's not my responsibility to hold together relationships I'm not in, and to try and control chaos--which is impossible, by the way. I'm a responsible person, but I'll be damned if I pick up other's responsibilities when they possess the power to handle them.

     After writing this, it sounds to me like the people around me are weakening, and because I'm the stronger individual now, trying to nudge me into the direction of paying them back for all the help they provided me over my crucial years of growth by fixing and taking control of their problems. Besides being an impossibility, that's just not going to happen. My focus is, and will always remain, on education and awareness of self mutilation addiction, and what I have to do or sacrifice to get there.

2 comments:

Knottie. said...

love reading what you write. definately HAVE to follow : )

Alexis Voltaire said...

I'm glad you've enjoyed what you've read, thank you for following :) I hope I write more things that are in your interest in the future!