CuteOverload.com posted my picture on their website!!!!

(Originally written on July 30th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

      Alright, well technically Sarah took the picture and was actually there, but when I saw it's adorableness I had to ask if I could send it in! Who would have thought they'd actually post it!?

      Scroll to the bottom of the blog part, before the comments. It's the last picture, the one of the tortoise eating a carrot-shaped cake. Yep, that's Fred, the tortoise that lives in Petland on Semoran! They even credited with my name, and gave it a title!

      I am surprised beyond belief, this is one of my favorite websites that I visit daily for a "pick me up". :)

      Once again, thanks so much Sarah! NOW WE'RE FAMOUS! Haha!

It is fun to make fun of everybody

(Originally written on July 8th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

     That is why I do, and have no guilt or shame in doing so. I'm sorry, but there is a joke to be made of everything, no matter what it is. There are no boundaries, because someone will find it funny. Cancer? Oh it can be funny. Oh your mom died of cancer? She'd probably laugh honestly. "Oh yeah, that cancer. It snuck up on me, damn it. Oh well, I have a cute condo in heaven."

     Granted, this is all theoretical, don't come after me in a rampage saying your mama died of cancer and doesn't appreciate me taking it lightly, because I'm not. I'm just stating the truth, anything can be funny, I don't care what it is. No matter what you make a joke about, suicide, child molestation, disease, addiction, alcoholics, inbreeding, or things that aren't fucked up, someone will laugh.

     It's a free for all people, man up and spew out something comedic so we can all have a laugh we hide behind our hands because it's not funny to laugh about black people.

..lol

I wish I could meet a writer..

(Originally quoted on July 8th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 15th, 2009.)

..that felt the same way as I, and could relate perfectly to this in what they wish to put into the world. Where are you?

"It may be autobiographical, but it’s only because I realized I can’t create a more fucked-up story than my own — and the characters that are in my life, I don’t need to imagine or create metaphors for them.
But at the same time, I set out to tell a story that everyone can relate to. I don’t want to tell a story about my personal relationships, I want to tell a story about being a person that wants to try and be human, and I think that’s how everyone feels." - Marilyn Manson

I..

(Originally written on July 5th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 15th, 2009.)

..cannot trust you. You are too far away and you lie to me about everything, even little things. It reminds me of someone I know, but the comparison would be unfair. Regardless, I cannot take your lies, and they don't work well in your favor considering the distance they would have to travel.

I may be mind over heart, but I am okay with that, I have been for a very long time. I'm sincerely sorry if you are not, but I think one day you'll understand my reasoning. I'm not a robot, I'm not guarding myself for any reasons requiring a therapist, it's simply not an issue to me. I just feel that everyone else is wrong, and I am right (in this situation). There is a time and place for being heart over mind, but this is not that time or place. Therefor, there is a place for the vice verse.


You'll thank me for not ruining your life.

WOW

(Originally quoted on June 10th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

I had a dream

This one I feel the need to mention

I was happy for awhile

And I stopped being scared and ashamed

To say what’s on my mind

But you thought I’d change after awhile

And said “you’d better treat me different or else”

“Or else” seems like a stupid fucking thing to say to someone like me

Someone like me

Wow, wow, wow

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…

Don’t be surprised I can look you in the eye

It’s hard to take you serious when you take me inside

Don’t be surprised I can look you in the eye

It’s hard to take you serious when you take me inside

I’m worse

Than what you think you’d catch from me

Complicated’s understated

Did you stop and take a look at who you fell in love with?

At who you fell in love with

It doesn’t matter

How many times I say it

It never gets old

That’s why I have to say

Wow, wow, wow

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to come or just going

I never wanted you to come here anyway

There’s a word that’s like you

Because it can be a noun, a verb, a exclamation, or the thing I say

When something is unbelievable

When I’m not able to believe how unbelievably unbelievable

That you believe you could not be leave-able

That’s when I have to say

Wow, wow, wow

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…

It doesn’t matter

How many times I say it

It never gets old

That’s why I have to say

Wow.

"I understand that you hear the first half as angry, I guess maybe I should look at it in a different way. I hear the second half of the record as threatening. The first half of the record is kind of angry, but it's bitter and it's weak and it's uncertain, which is where anger comes from, which is not where threatening comes from. There's a confidence that starts to rebuild itself, and I think that it starts right about the point of "WOW." That song sticks out to me enough that I got it tattooed on my wrist. I wanted to do a song that was everything that I had to remember represented who I am and why I started this in the first place.

It's funny to me because the first time I played the song, without any singing on it, because the music is so absurd. We just started recording it and I refused to let anybody try and do what they're supposed to do. I said, "Just hit record." I made Twiggy play keyboards, and I started playing guitar with one string on it, and I had a microphone and we got done and the first thing we said was "Wow." Well that's what it is. It's like the "Macarena" of nonsense and confusion, and it really represents something that we always strive to accomplish." - Marilyn Manson

    Soon we will be twins.

Peace and Drugs

(Originally written on June 10th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

     Sorry, but peace and drugs don't go hand in hand. Thinking so makes you quite oblivious, and I recommend you find something else to do besides light up. You can tell me all day long that doing drugs "chills you out" and that it gives you a "peaceful feeling", but in reality, is it? Yeah, maybe in the moment, sure, even I've experienced that. However, what about the regret you experience later over things you've missed, things you've done, etc. You can tell me all day long you "live with no regrets" but those that do are just afraid to admit they have them.

     Man up and stop doing drugs. Stop associating them with things that really have no relevance. It's okay to regret things, you can't learn lessons and have "no regrets". You're lying to everyone and the only people that will believe you are the ones that are lying to themselves about the same thing.

     Trust me people, there are more important things than cute .gifs that advocate weed, peace, and being bisexual.

Amor

(Originally written on June 3rd, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

I wish I knew what it felt like to be in normal love.

     My friends and I can gush over cute guys during countless sleepovers, but honestly that's not getting me anywhere but missing what I no longer have, and despite these guy's qualities and looks I think I know about, I wouldn't really date any of them. I apologize even though I shouldn't have to, but I am just human — I miss past loves. I'm not afraid to say that, I'm not going to deny the truth. It's only natural as loving beings. Granted not all the time, and especially only time to time, but nonetheless I do once in a while.

     I've only willingly fallen in love once, meaning I have only fallen in love once on my own time. Usually my relationships go: 1. falling in like 2. the asking of out, we start "officially" dating (because only one guy has ever taken me out on a real date; step up people geez) 3. they "love me" within a week, or in a particular case, that was their reason for why we should be together in the first place. It's a little ridiculous, and that's not comfortable at all.

     I guess I just don't really know where to go from here besides forward and not straight. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm usually not "OMG LUVZ" because I try to be as loveless as possible, and who knows why. Regardless of everything and everyone, you make me think "Wow," and I'm not going to lie, I love you still.

I have a serious problem

(Originally written on May 31st, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

Me: (2:07:49 AM) GOD I LOVE SPOCK

My Friend: (2:08:47 AM) HES PRETTY CUTE

Me: (2:08:56 AM) I FKN KNOW

Me: (2:09:03 AM) I WANT HIM BAD, LETS BE HONEST.

Me: (2:09:37 AM) I got all bothered in the shower thinking about how many members there might be to a star trek forums community rofl

Me: (2:09:42 AM) jk obv but it did cross my mind

My Friend: (2:10:39 AM) lmao

Me: (2:10:49 AM) I just can't get over him

Me: (2:11:01 AM) I think it's a serious problem when all you think about is spock and you're a 16 year old girl

My Friend: (2:11:02 AM) can we talk about it?

Me: (2:11:02 AM) UGH FML

Me: (2:11:05 AM) CAN WE?!?

My Friend: (2:11:07 AM) lol

and then

Me: (2:11:50 AM) oh spock

Me: (2:11:52 AM) wherever you are!

Me: (2:11:55 AM) warp to me plz!

My Friend: (2:11:58 AM) lmao

Me: (2:12:07 AM) I want a shirt

Me: (2:12:08 AM) omfg

Me: (2:12:10 AM) that says

Me: (2:12:18 AM) "I only date half-vulcans"

Me: (2:12:21 AM) OMFG I MADE A SHIRT

My Friend: (2:12:29 AM) lmao

NEW AGENDA: Find and marry Spock.

To the still suffering addict and those that self mutilate:

(Originally written on May 11th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

     Some of you may not know, but I go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I started going over a year ago with my biological mother to support her when she realized she had a drug addiction. As I kept going, I realized I was getting something from it, quite unexpectedly. The number one thing about NA is carrying the message to the still suffering addict, and in her short clean time, she carried that message to me. It was just luck that I had not cut myself within that time frame. Unfortunately, she stopped going and is back in active addiction.

     Recently I've started going again. It's been a year, and I'm still clean because of the things I learned the short time I spent at NA. I've realized a few things already, one being that when the time is right, I need to suck it up and try my hardest to carry the message back to my biological mother. I truly believe the most important person is the still suffering addict, and when I have that moment of silence at every meeting I think of how lucky and grateful I am to have gotten guidance with my addiction.

     You're probably wondering why I attend NA when I have a self mutilation addiction. Well to be quite honest, there are no support groups whatsoever that support self mutilation in Orlando, or even Florida that I know of. I've researched it, and there is a Self Mutilators Anonymous, and you can even create your own branch of an SMA meeting in your local area. I'm sure you can figure out where I'm going from here.

     It breaks my heart when I think of those still suffering, especially with the addiction I personally hold close to heart. I know how difficult it is to deal with it and not have the knowledge to recognize it as a real addiction. Many times I was told to just stop, just STOP. But you cannot just STOP an addiction, it's something that will be with you for the rest of your life, something you have to surrender to, so it doesn't consume you. You can, however, live a clean life, free from active addiction. You can walk the path I am today. In the end, we are all addicts, and we are all the same.

     For years I've felt that I was put on this planet to do something, but I wasn't sure what. I didn't feel like I deserved the life I got, so I realized that my life is the way it is so I can teach and help others be strong like me. I was lucky, I was born arrogant and brave. I strive every day to do the greater good for the greater number, and I am never a part of that number. I will gladly humiliate myself to help someone in need, especially an addict.

     I've come to the conclusion that one of my life callings is to start at least one branch of SMA in Orlando, FL. I will stick with this even if it takes me years to do so, because they really do have no one to go to unlike those suffering from addiction to alcohol or narcotics. I was lucky enough to find a home amongst those in NA, and am extremely grateful that they took me in when I literally had no place else to go. NA has saved and changed my entire life, and will continue to do so long after I'm dead for others. I hope SMA can do the same for those like me.

     If you're interested in the process of my creation of an SMA branch, let me know. I can keep you updated on the status, but I will warn you - this will take time. Also, if you are a still suffering addict from any addiction, I will do my best to help you in complete confidentiality. If you need a list of meetings (especially NA, which I have a definite physical list of), I will gladly supply you with as much help as I can give.

Just for today: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction. I will surrender to win.

Disclaimer: I am not speaking on the behalf of NA or any other organization, I am simply speaking on how it has affected and changed my personal life.

New Gecko

(Originally written on March 16th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 16th, 2009.)

     After a doctor's appointment today, my dad and I went to Barnes & Noble so he could spend his gift card (he bought a book with poetry/CDs, I'll post a link to it later) that he got yesterday for his birthday.

     We went to Petco next door to look at geckos. Over the weekend I gathered correct information on the care of leopard geckos, credit to many websites I googled and especially GeckoForums.net, where members actually directly helped me out. I highly recommend signing up, it's a large community of friendly people, and it's not only for geckos, but for other reptiles.

     Anyway, today at Petco I picked up a log similar to this, a thermometer (not sure if this is the one I should have or not), and a red light bulb. Before just buying a gecko, I requested to be able to touch them all, like advised on various websites. I poked at all of them, and picked up a few. There were two that were larger than the others, but not as large as the ones I saw the other day in Tampa. I eventually picked out the one that came home with me (even though he is really small), who as you can see in the picture is quite bright and colorful, which definitely matches the personality he's showing. He loves to be held, and you have to nudge him a couple times to get him off of your hands! He's really cute, and I'm still debating on names (which I list at the end of this blog).

     It was suggested that I should get a gecko from a show or breeder rather than a pet store (especially chain I'd imagine), but I looked up breeders and couldn't find any close enough to me, or any shows in the near future (some just passed actually).

     Later on (after taking him home) we (+Kirk this trip) went to PetLand to buy crickets and another small hut. We looked for fake plants, but they didn't have much of a selection. They had leopard geckos there too, two for 50$. Oh well though, I'm really happy with the one I got.

     We went to Publix after for carrots and an apple to feed to the crickets to gutload them, hopefully it works and I'm doing it right. I might switch to the pre-condensed gutload cubes later on though depending on the opinions on GeckoForums.

     Here's a video of him that I made for a friend: