Saturday, December 26, 2009


     Honestly, I'm scared this decade is almost over.
     I remember being a child and looking at this poster of the United States that you're supposed to put all the new quarters in as they were issued. Looking at the dates of release in the bottom right corner and thinking of the furthest year away, 2008, I thought it would never come. I would daydream about what I would be like or how cool I would be. The idea of being old seemed to foreign, I suppose because it was.
     Mostly though, I remember wondering what I would know, what knowledge I would have obtained. Would I be as smart as I felt then? Would I be as powerful as what I felt was in store? What in the world would I have grown into?

     The strongest weed, is the answer I've stapled myself with. And I'm happy with that.
     I'd so much rather be the strongest weed than the weakest flower, Manson had it right with his new concepts regarding what changes in the mentality of victims of sexual abuse.

     I'm terrified, not because of the past, but because of the prospect of the future.
     If I haven't written a book worth the consideration of publishing within the next fifteen years—I'll accept a publishing company considering my story, but not publishing it because of its content, despite how unhappy I would make myself as a result—I'm killing myself, or at least making my existence dead to the world by doing something noble with similarities to a religious adventure of self-discovery, in a setting like wherever the Blair Witch was filmed. I don't deserve to exist if I'm not creating, and I'm sticking to my story. I'll rip my teeth out myself with the familiar pliers of my past if I can't find a witch to do it for me.

     Tonight, I got to thinking about Antichrist Superstar. I wondered how Manson felt in 2006 ten years after after the ground-breaking creation in 1996. I've created nothing except myself, and while Manson's been doing that all along, he's public about it. Me, not so much. I haven't worked hard enough just yet to publicize myself on par with his degree of extremity, so that's the pressure presented to get some serious shit done within the next decade.

     This decade is going to start off beautifully, in terms of creative freedom.
     In July of 210 I'll turn eighteen and start college soon after. A solid education will be my foundation. I am a firm believer in being able to fall back on degrees for respect— not a job. I need respect or fear for people to listen to me, and a Ph. D will deliver no doubt (in the very least, a lending hand to shuffle the boxes with me). Also, a formal education is my sole selfish desire.

     Work will never be my focus unless you count the work for others. I want others to be able to be Atheistic, thinking and reasoning, creative, productive human beings of society. I want more people like me.
     It is my purpose to share my struggles, suffering, pain, and I want to say sex only because of this— "As you are listening, I want you to know, that you're nothing but a screen that I project my images of suffering, sorrow, pain, sex in the brief glimmer of happiness I find in the misery of those who are sitting in the theater of which this screen exists." [Marilyn Manson. Doppelherz, 2003]

     We are so alike, and not because I chose to be. I used to try, I'll admit. I dressed in black, wore dark make-up, and dyed my hair black. However, our similarities lie in what we wish to do for the world (or what I perceive your beliefs on self purpose are), and as Gandhi so truthfully said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

     I love my fellow Saints.

"The aspiration
To save the world
Is a morbid phenomenon
Of today's youth."
-Marilyn Manson, Doppelherz 2003
(full-length video)


kissafrog69 said...

There is no need to fear! You, better than most of us, know where you going and what you will do with your life. Your future will be everything you want it to be. You are blessed with a direction that you set for yourself. You are a jump ahead. Life is a journey, not a destination, and you have already figured that out. My hat is off to you girl!

Alexis! said...

"You are blessed with a direction that you set for yourself." I am so glad you recognize that unspoken truth.