Clarity; magical thinking

 "I need clarity and truth to be
And peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come and hate to be done
And love to guide my soul"

- Clarity by Shawn Mcdonald

The latest leg of my journey towards turning eighteen has become an increasingly exhausting road that I am consistently defending to elude redundant criticism, alongside facing personal perplexity. I discern that I am powerless over criticism unless I do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing, but I haven't polished the behavioral practices that Epictetus taught me in The Art of Living. That being confessed, some people feeling they fathom what I'm going through, even though they haven't known me for years, is still something I permit affect me. I do not believe anyone can completely understand regardless of what level of tragedy they've been through. They're not going through this right now, in this time period, as me. No one will ever hold the dexterity to comprehend everything revolving around me except me.

What happens next is what I empower to happen next. I am trying with all my fortitude to push through this wearisome time in my life, but it is really kicking me. Without end, I could invent reasons as to why maybe that is. I don't believe in any God, I haven't been to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in months or called my sponsor in equal time, in general I don't carry any sort of fellowship, I don't open up to others, I never speak of my problems in honesty including personal inquisitions, or it could be that I'm just trying.

I know my biggest obstacle is that I'm just trying to make situations bearable. I cognize with needing to unaffectedly make them livable. Trying is wishing, and wishing rarely gets you a result that's not somewhat deluded. Being conditioned since birth that it is acceptable to be negatively emotional has destroyed me, and now I must be solely responsible for my rebirth— which will not involve a near-drowning experience.

Before I even had two digits to my age, I have been acquainted with the reality that everyone has the adequacy to vanish. Including but not excluding my family, lovers, friends, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers. My birth mother repeatedly walked out on my family—which even I'm being pushed out of now, by a woman just as sociopathic—without ever having a conscious glance back. It's a shame that when a parent walks out on a child, there is an enormous chance that said child will never be able to trust completely again. I hate to be part of a human behavior statistic, but I've not transformed into an idea just yet. I remain affected by the past.

Good intentions have never been enough to satisfy me. Hitler had good intentions within his beliefs, but is the Holocaust at disregard? Not in the slightest of passionate minds. My family and friends can have all the good intentions in the world for me, for my future, for our relationship, etc., but actions speak much louder than words or intentions. If you leave me, you have chosen to leave. Nothing I have said or done has forced you to abandon me. I will not wait for you and I will never come after you more than a handful of times unless I really love you. I do not have time to wallow around and wait for your return or apology, nor to repeatedly pursue you. While I may hear you out, you're not forgiven unless I verbally express that I forgive you in plain English. Typically I won't even allow those I have lost all compassion for even offer me an explanation for their negative actions towards me, usually people only apologize for negative actions so they can forgive themselves. I'm not a fan of repentance, confessing due to guilt or shame.

Of my entire life, today is the first day I have gone a full twenty-four hour day without my father attempting to contact me. Excluding the time he spent serving in the military, we have never been physically apart longer than a week until this year. He has made his decisions, and now I have come to the realization that I must make my own. Becoming an adult is more difficult and abrupt than I ever imagined, and I overly dramatized it's difficulty all my life. Never did I know my last year as a minor would take a turn onto this road. My dad was my protector for years, and now it's come to him ignoring my phone calls.

His actions have the greatest potential to break my heart (equal with my mother's), but I will not let it crush me. I just hope he realizes he isn't excluded from the people I will expel from my life if he decides to really walk away. This isn't said as a threat, it's what I must do with my life for humanity. I will always do the greater good for the greatest number, even if that means sacrificing everything I have.