♠

     When people respond to the conversation starting question with, “I would want to read minds,” I conceive it laughable. I’m close to saying that it’s immature. However, with thought more elaborate I decide it’s likely a characteristic of someone who would rather live free of reining wonder.

     My conclusion rests on their fear of the unknown until I recall the following: I am petrified of the unknown to the scar of madness, yet I would hardly thirst to contain author’s knowledge by forced draw.

      The eighth circle of Hell with my head turned round just isn’t where I belong.

     Leading me to the night’s wonder: why do people like me? We’re in sixth grade for a moment because I mean like me like me. Usually I don’t attract the children of ages lesser than my own, as a matter of fact they rarely even match me. By the looks of it, I’ve strolled into the ballpark of grown men. Pushing aside the idea of my clumsy stumble I’ve considered the two major league reasons for this. The first being, “They’re immature, that’s why they want me,” and the second, “Or maybe I am on the level they’re convinced I am.”

     Peering beyond a few that provided Pictionary purpose to the prior, I’ve learned enough to keep up the awareness guard for filtering the retention pond. I could easily spot a dorsal fin from miles away with a sharp eye… if it’s open.

     & In the end it’s all an exhausted sport and I’ve tried being a player. Heartbreaking might be fine under Valium-colored skies, but here I’m gazing with a mirrored blank stare at Tamarian Gardens. “You cannot see anything. I tried it too.” As for being blindsided—I’m capable too, I’m capable of anything, after all.

30 Days to an Almost End - Day 20

A hobby of yours

Polished nails / Darwin / Tattoos
 30 Days to an Almost End series list

30 Days to an Almost End - Day 06

Whatever tickles your fancy- tattoos

     I love when tattoos look like paintings on canvas. Vincent Castiglia’s work on Nick Kusher—owner and operator of the Nachtkabarett and Babalon, the official Marilyn Manson forums—displays this attribute better than any work I have ever seen.

     My best friend Dave has a ton of tattoos. I’m fairly certain he has at least one hundred stars spread about his body by now, if not more. He’s become a collage of sorts, and the greatest part about it is that no matter how silly one or two tattoos might seem on the surface, they all make up who he is. It’s fascinating to me when someone can pull this off.

    I’m not sure who this is, but I’ve wanted a piece very similar to this on my own back for years. I have some ideas to make it my “own” and not a typical spine/ribcage copy, but nothing is 100% as of yet.

 

    Another favorite tattoo of mine is on Marilyn Manson. It is the Tursaansydän tattoo with a swastika incorporated in its center on his left inner bicep. I would love to get one done someday.

30 Days to an Almost End series list

Kicking & Screaming

     Like everyone else on the planet likely experiences, every day is a constant, never-ending battle. Songs such as "Love Is A Battlefield" have been written, but it doesn't cease after you get through the romantic battle of the war— at least not for me.

     For years my dad and I have shared interest in the concept of a large tattoo—if he were to get it, stretched across his shoulder blades—outlined in a Victorian font that says "FIGHT", filled in with a metaphorical scene of a man versus angel battle on a field of war. I imagine I think about the idea of it more often than he does, because I feel like what this tattoo would express, if it were to ever exist on skin, is how I feel constantly. I am surrounded by evil men I am sacrificing my "life" to help, yet with unfamiliarity they are trying to kill me (amongst many other reasons). They'd rip off my wings if they could, just to make me appear the same as them. I'm not claiming I'm an angel sent down from heaven,—which I'm not sure if I really believe in anyway, but you get the idea—but I strongly believe in a "class system" of humanity that is predetermined, similar to the common concept and belief of "destiny". I have a belief so deep within me that I find it impossible that I, nor anyone else could have instilled it. I believe I am a saint.

     Knowing that my suffering has the ability help others as long as I process and present it in the correct way keeps me positive in fighting everything that has been thrown at me. I may get angry and upset, or sometimes feel like I don't deserve bad things happening to me, but in reality it's not about me at the end of the day and it never has been. It's about me only to the short extent that I should always be creating a graspable presentation of an event that has recently taken place so that I can help others help themselves.

     Somehow this has transformed into an essay promoting inspiration and uplift to the reader, when that wasn't my original intention. (Not that I am surprised, I am void of any complete selfish desires.) When I first opened this document over an hour ago I was very angry, and I wanted everyone to know what I was sick of fighting and why. As I type these letters now I am even considering not listing anything at all, because I'm not sure if it would help. Although, if people had knowledge that I fought and at the bare minimum survived fairly basic things like they, alongside extremely difficult things that they may never experience, they could relate on a new level with me.

     Perhaps tomorrow.

I don't believe in "don't worry, be happy"

     My entire life I've been advised to always "be happy" with what I have and not complain. Occasionally over the years I've wondered, what about when you don't like what you have, or you want more? Both are perfectly normal desires. No God, government, fellow human, etc., has any right to say you should ignore those emotions as if you don't have them. (If you want something, go get it.) Why should anyone express false gratitude for something they don't like, or settle for something when they know they could obtain better? I see sense in that to a degree. If you receive a sweater you don't favor from your grandmother for holiday, you should probably smile through it and pretend you love it because it's not going to affect your day or life. Personally though, if I'm not satisfied with something that affects my day-to-day, I'm going to change it—not try, big difference—so I am beyond satisfied.

     I do my best to not complain while I do so, and I think I do a pretty damn good job of not. Although I'm made fun of for it—big surprise—I do not typically speak of things that bother me if I believe a conversation about it won't result in a solution. To me, sitting around and talking about things that won't be fixed by talking about it just seems like dwelling. Personally, I feel it is more effective to be quietly upset for thirty minutes and move on as opposed to talking about it for two hours, crying, and then moving on with still no closure to the issue in sight. I suppose not everyone can do that though, partially because recent society has gotten it into their heads that people give a shit about every single thing that crosses their mind when in reality that's why "listeners"—therapists—are still being employed in growing numbers. The average person you talk to won't give a shit that you're having a bad day because you spilled coffee on your blouse and it reminded you of your gang rape when you were fourteen, and blah-fucking-blah the list of trivial events that have nothing to do with each other that you just connected in your mind for some reason goes on and on. It never ends and unfortunately, and I wish everyone did, but no one cares.

     Rereading what I've already written, it honestly sounds like I need to talk to someone that will listen and truly express what's on my mind, but that's just what the instilled ideas that I haven't cleansed myself of yet are telling me I need to believe. I don't want to believe that I need other people to survive, so I don't.

     Or so I'd love to convince myself. If I really believed that I didn't need emotional human interaction, my tattoo wouldn't say what it does. I've always wanted to push through things on my own, that's a trait I was born with, despite all the encouragement to deal with shit on my own and keep quiet.

Lost in gravity.

     I haven't been "here" often, and I think that's my biggest problem. I've just been in my head. Sure, physically I've been existing and acting as a part of daily society doing day-to-day activities with the rest of the world, but regardless, for a while I haven't been majorly immersed in the events taking place around me. "I am a part of all I have seen", but how big of a part have I played? Lately, hardly a role at all, and the disappointment isn't even accountable for blame.

     Perhaps if I start forcing myself into the role of the biggest star--I am a Leo after all--I won't be let down as often. I won't feel compelled to complain on a near daily basis about always being "second favored" in people's opinions. I know I will never possess the ability to change people's minds on whim, but if presenting ideas to be adopted won't work, I'll force myself into the place I want to be.

     And that is exactly what I'm going to do.

"Criticism is easily avoided by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle 

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." - Lucille Ball 

"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves." - Dorothy Parker 

"How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone." - Coco Chanel 

WOW

(Originally quoted on June 10th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

I had a dream

This one I feel the need to mention

I was happy for awhile

And I stopped being scared and ashamed

To say what’s on my mind

But you thought I’d change after awhile

And said “you’d better treat me different or else”

“Or else” seems like a stupid fucking thing to say to someone like me

Someone like me

Wow, wow, wow

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…

Don’t be surprised I can look you in the eye

It’s hard to take you serious when you take me inside

Don’t be surprised I can look you in the eye

It’s hard to take you serious when you take me inside

I’m worse

Than what you think you’d catch from me

Complicated’s understated

Did you stop and take a look at who you fell in love with?

At who you fell in love with

It doesn’t matter

How many times I say it

It never gets old

That’s why I have to say

Wow, wow, wow

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…

It doesn’t matter if you’re going to come or just going

I never wanted you to come here anyway

There’s a word that’s like you

Because it can be a noun, a verb, a exclamation, or the thing I say

When something is unbelievable

When I’m not able to believe how unbelievably unbelievable

That you believe you could not be leave-able

That’s when I have to say

Wow, wow, wow

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow…

It doesn’t matter

How many times I say it

It never gets old

That’s why I have to say

Wow.

"I understand that you hear the first half as angry, I guess maybe I should look at it in a different way. I hear the second half of the record as threatening. The first half of the record is kind of angry, but it's bitter and it's weak and it's uncertain, which is where anger comes from, which is not where threatening comes from. There's a confidence that starts to rebuild itself, and I think that it starts right about the point of "WOW." That song sticks out to me enough that I got it tattooed on my wrist. I wanted to do a song that was everything that I had to remember represented who I am and why I started this in the first place.

It's funny to me because the first time I played the song, without any singing on it, because the music is so absurd. We just started recording it and I refused to let anybody try and do what they're supposed to do. I said, "Just hit record." I made Twiggy play keyboards, and I started playing guitar with one string on it, and I had a microphone and we got done and the first thing we said was "Wow." Well that's what it is. It's like the "Macarena" of nonsense and confusion, and it really represents something that we always strive to accomplish." - Marilyn Manson

    Soon we will be twins.