So I Googled myself..

     Today I decided to Google myself out of curiosity to how many results would be listed. To my surprise, it was 379. Not bad, considering if I were to Google a friend of mine, with an equally unique last name, they would more than likely have a considerable amount less than I do. Granted, if you Google a common name you'll get thousand of results. I don't personally know many people with really unique names, so it's kind of difficult to tell for sure.

     Here's an example of how unique my last name is- I Googled my dad's name (just first and last, not even his middle) and pulled up his page on WhitePages.com which claims he is the only person in the United States with his exact name. Pretty cool in my opinion, I'm going to list myself after I write this.

      Another interesting tidbit, when I just Google "Mullino"-my last name-I am the 7th person listed out of over 40,000 results. I think that's pretty damn cool, even if I wish I was 1st, haha. (There's an actor in extended my family, I believe he occupies most, if not all, of the first six results.)

Lessons in Suffering

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh


Finally a quote that sums it up better than I ever could. For so long I have been emptily telling the suffering why they aren't learning such obvious lessons, and instructions on how to do so. I had no concrete answer that I blurted out at first thought they might not understand the concept. I began to believe it was just something you learned and had no explanation for, and only a lucky- no, aware, few truly understood.

“That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along.” - Madeleine L'Engle

I feel like many people want to learn lessons from their suffering, but stop after the mourning process and let it consume them. I'll explain it in the tense that as an observer I can relate to the best- a romantic relationship. I've seen so many people crumble under the intense misery of a break-up. They refuse to try and understand any of what went wrong or why the relationship might have ended. They want nothing to do with trying to understand that this happens to all people. Parting from a relationship in any way leaves most feeling like they'll never find someone else, but only because they lack the patience to wait for another relationship opportunity to come along. Some take this very seriously to the point of obsession while for most it is more of a joke and just announce that they'll never find someone else out of loneliness. Regardless, the combination of these factors can make people very closed off and unwilling to look beyond the moment they're living in.

I've witnessed many try to swear off their preference of gender forever in fear of getting hurt again. "God forbid I suffer once more, without gaining anything from it.", I bet they ponder. While they may not understand or even mentally create the concept of the latter [without gaining anything from it], they know for sure they don't want to suffer without reward. Who would? Still, it's unhealthy to try and stop something so human such as love for fellow man. In the end you'll only hurt more, and more than likely feel silly. We must open up and become vulnerable once more, even if it is our biggest fear, for us to love again. We will suffer again, but we will learn again.

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.” - Madeleine L'Engle

The suffering can receive any and all kinds of help though, but one thing remains the same. No matter what happens, positive or negative, they will not learn or grow until they decide they want to. There are few situations where you can truly want something and be completely unsure on how to obtain it- this is not one of them. If you want to learn from your suffering, there are so many tools readily available to assist you. A book, a website, a knowledgeable friend or parent.

It doesn't matter who or where you are, there are no reasonable excuses for being an adult and not learning lessons from suffering.

Memory-carrying jewelry

Ugh.

You really still wear that same necklace that haunts my nightmares of you. To you it has no relation to me, but to me it's symbol is everything you are. I can't even look at my similar necklace without thinking about how fucked you made things for me. Never again will I look at a man the same. No amount of therapy could take away my view on the opposite sex, all because of you. Take that subtly and figure out who you are.



Anyway,

It's interesting how something so insignificant as a piece of jewelry can carry so many memories. Once, an ex returned a necklace to me that I had given him early on in our relationship. At first I wore it again.  It was a nice necklace, and before I had given it to him it was mine. A few weeks later I had picked up my old habit with the necklace of putting it in-between my lips and playing with it, but then something occurred to me. I remembered the photographs I had seen of my ex wearing it with his current girlfriend, and it hit me- not only did he wear this with his current girlfriend, he wore this same necklace while fucking the girl he cheated on me with.

It carried too many memories for me to wear comfortably and without being enraged at the sight of it. (I was as "over it" as I could be even then, but who really completely gets over being cheated on. I don't believe I'm being juvenile on this, with still holding some anger. I have a right to be angry, it would only be unhealthy if I obsessed over it. The bottom line is, he risked my health and my life.)


I wonder if this is something I could ever get over. The belief probably isn't the healthiest. Do any of you feel this same way?

MyLifeisG(reat).com, aNOTHER website like FML

"Today, four years from now, I am going to marry the best man in the entire world. We have to be apart for the next three years because of our careers, but knowing that we will be together again and that we will one day be married makes it all worthwhile. I love you honey! Because of you, MLIG!"

(From www.mylifeisg.com) 

     I just read this on a(nother) website with the same concept as FML, but it's about positive things, hence the name "My Life Is Great". However, when I read this MLIG, all I could think about was how not great this sounded. The way it's worded it sounds like they will be apart for three years, spend a year together after the "career madness", and then get married. Perhaps I am just bitter and have lost all hope for being able to bear uncontrollable difficulties in relationships, but I foresee this couple reuniting after three years and being completely different people than before the separation. Unfortunately, ending in not getting married after all, and having (in my opinion) wasted three years of their lives in a long distance relationship.

     I'll be honest, I've been in a long distance relationship. (At first, I put 'tried a long distance relationship', but despite our differences I believe this individual deserves more respect than being demoted to a verb thrown around so casually as "I tried that soup and didn't like it.") I should have believed the people around me that told me it wouldn't work, that it was a bad idea. At first, it was a welcomed comfort to have someone there for me-I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, I was cheated on-even though he was states away, but later on it's something I could have lived without. I don't regret it, but it's not something I'd repeat if given a second chance.

     Don't get me wrong, I loved this person, but in the end, was it really worth it? I learned the lessons I left the relationship with months before it was over, therefore it could have ended way earlier without so many of the consequences that taught me nothing. I guess though in a sense it sort of did, I'm realizing that now as I write this. Next time around I won't let it drag out like that. Truthfully, letting serious relationships last longer than they should is a bad habit of mine, but I think I did better with this last one.

     Before I end this, here is another MLIG that relates to this same topic. I feel sorry for these people with so much hope for their early relationships, knowing they more than likely won't last forever. I'm just a realist.

"Last night, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone. He spent two hours just telling me how amazing I am, how I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, how he wouldnt trade me for anything in the world, and how I am his guardian angel. He told me he's never been happier in his life and his biggest fear is me leaving him. He promised he will always feel this way and he said he knows it will never change. He finished with, "I know we are young and people will say we have our whole lives ahead of us to explore our options, but I don't need to. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you." I love you, too, Jacob. MLIG."

(From www.mylifeisg.com)

I hope you're feeling today.

Sometimes we forget those with addictions can experience emotions normally once again.

Why is it that as addicts we are expected to start having "normal"-which is a nice word for "positive"-emotions once we're clean such as happiness, excitement, and hope. However, when it comes to negative emotions, people completely forget how they are just as "normal" as positive emotions. It is okay for me to be sad, angry, or stressed. As stated, these are "normal", and completely acceptable by those in society without any past problem, such as an addiction. Yet when I, an addict, go through any of these types of feelings in the presence of others, they start treating me like an active addict again. Untrustworthy, mentally unstable, and a danger to myself with the possibility of being so to others as well. Often my peers even treat whatever emotion I'm showing them as if it is more dramatic than its true nature. Sadness turns into depression, anger turns into rage, stressed turns into suicidal.

I am here to enlighten you that I will be okay. I cannot speak for all addicts, but I can speak for myself. I have over two years clean, and it wasn't a ride filled with all smiles. It may seem like it was to you, but that's only because I was nervous about showing my negative emotions to others during the beginning of my recovery. I didn't want people to jump to conclusions that I had relapsed again since I had very little clean time under my belt. A reaction like that could have upset me to the point that I might have relapsed after-the-fact from being in such a fragile state. I feel confident enough now in my ability to not relapse to show my emotions and risk the reactions. Still, I long for respect.

So here I am now, being treated the same way I used to fear. The difference is that this time nothing will take away my recovery, especially something that's so miniscule in affliction to me now as this. Regardless, it still hurts, sometimes even worse because I have no way of release.

My request to those in any type of relationship with an addict, may it be a friendship, a romance, a fellow employee, is this: if the addict you're acquainted with is truly taking great strides in trying to regain your trust and respect, it is more than likely genuine. If you feel uneasy-which is only to be expected-politely question their clean time. Longer lengths of clean time (of course its all relevant to what you consider a long time, but be reasonable) can sometimes make you feel more confident in trusting them again.

Not to say that just because you have a longer amount of clean time means that you're actually becoming better mentally and spiritually, however I personally believe it is more likely. Although, even those with twenty years clean can relapse. Regardless, our request is still the same. All we ask is that you give us a second.. or millionth chance. Please.

MakesMeThink.com, thought-provoking stories in the style of FML

"Today marks 6 years since I was discharged from a mental hospital after suffering from severe depression. I've since graduated from college, started a successful marketing firm, and am the proud father of a beautiful baby boy. MMT"

(From www.makesmethink.com)

     I discovered this website today. It's like FML, which most of the internet-savvy world knows about by now. Although funny, FML isn't exactly changing lives and making people think. It's rare I feel like something was created just for me (even though I know it wasn't), but today is one of those days. I can already tell that Makes Me Think is going to be a favorite website of mine. I can invision myself replacing my habit of checking FML before bed with checking MMT.

   This specific MMT really hit home and brought tears to my eyes. Despite being on a different time frame than this man-I was in and out of mental hospitals from the ages 12-13, so there is no way I could have graduated from college or had children by now-I hope I can succeed as greatly as he did. Whoever you are, you are an inspiration to me. I will remember you in my many years to come.

   Here is another one that will greatly inspire me in the future:

"Today my coworkers laughed at me when I told them my dream was to own my own bakery. When I told my father what happened, he said, "I've known a few people who went after their dreams. One thing they all had in common was they got laughed at in the process. MMT"

 (From www.makesmethink.com)

Turning 17 & Rated R Movies

    Seeing rated R movies has always been a hot topic in my country with teenagers, simply because you have to be 17 to see them without an adult (and usually, it has to be a parent). At first, it's the irritation that you rarely sneak into these movies successfully before you turn 17, and even if you do you're still mad you had to do so to begin with. Although, let's be honest, it's the law and we should follow it.

    For some, the excitement is being able to even see these R rated movies. Some parents don't let their teens see them until they are even old enough to alone. For most of us though we are just glad we can finally see these movies without our parents, may it be alone or with friends. (What's worse than having a date and not being able to see the movie because you're too young-and your date can!?)

   I was very excited about being able to see rated R movies without an adult present. This is probably the milestone I was/am most excited for. 18, you're a legal adult, but I'm already treated like one. You can also buy cigarettes, but I don't smoke, and don't ever plan on starting. Among other private things, 18 isn't that big of a deal for me. 21, you get to drink, but I will never drink in life because of my recovery from addiction to self mutilation. On top of all these reasons why 17 could be the only 'cool' milestone left for me, I love movies. I mean love.

   While I was in Myrtle Beach earlier this month, I thought I'd test it out, see if they carded me. I went and saw "The Ugly Truth" with my mom, and I made sure I bought the tickets. Of course they didn't ask. Figures. I was quite disappointed.

   The other day my dad and I went to go see "The Hurt Locker", and I thought I'd try it out again. Maybe I'd have better luck in my own city. Eureka! I got typical harassment from the ticket seller, she even had someone else inspect my ID to make sure it wasn't a fake. Pretty silly, considering it wasn't. She let me purchase the tickets, and sent me on my way.

   Honestly though, being harassed like that just reminded me of all the times they [movie ticket sellers] have before when I really wasn't old enough to see the movies I was trying to get into. The anticipation wore out quick, within the extra seconds it took for the second ticket seller to check out my ID-time I could have spent inside finding a seat or using the restroom before the show-, and now I get irritated when they card me. It's such a bother.

    What made me speculate this again was today was Bianca's 17th birthday. So..

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY BIANCA!

    I hope it was a good one. :) After she got out of school we went and saw "Inglourious Basterds", directed by Quentin Tarantino ("Pulp Fiction", "Kill Bill", "Deathproof", etc). (No plot spoilers, just general opinion!) I have to say, he's definitely changed up his style a bit in this motion picture, it's a lot more typical 'movie crowd' friendly, meaning a lot more appealing to the general public and not just those that purposely seek out 'film type' motion pictures. However though, his style is definitely present, from the frequently seen random scribbles on the screen pointing out important characters and subtle details to the wacky soundtrack. Other than the countless times Bianca and I shrieked over how crazy the plot was, we also did over how the music added so much to it, even though sometimes it sounded ridiculous regardless of how oddly appropriate it was.

    It was definitely not a typical war flick, so don't go into the theater expecting that. There's a lot of character interaction and story-telling going on, but I don't think the average movie-goer would be disappointed. It does have a few gory scenes, even for a war movie, but nothing like you'd see in "Saw" or "Hostel". (Semi-spoilers ahead, but nothing character-specific.) Also surprising, only one short (seconds) sex scene! I believe also only one or two kisses.

    Overall it was an amazing film, one of the best I've seen for many reasons. Brad Pitt was really cute too. :) Look, it took me this long to mention him! Haha. :)

    So now I want you, the reader of my blog, to tell me about the first time you saw a rated R movie after you turned 17, or if you don't live in the U.S., about the rating ranks in your country! I'd love to hear and learn more about the latter. :)

50 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do: #14

14.  Remember Names – Do you like when someone tries to get your attention by screaming “hey you”?

(From www.marcandangel.com)

    Something happened to me today that offended me, but only for a second. After that second, I felt sorry for the person.

   I have known this person for many years, around five. He is a friend of a friend, so no one close to me. However, he made this statement today in my direction, "Bye, sorry, whatever your name is, I forgot."

   Okay, that's fine. Like I said, at first I was a little irritated, "How could he not know my name?" Then I remember, "Oh yeah, I'm not as important to everyone else as I am to myself and certain people. I can't possibly expect him to remember." So no big deal there.

   But as we grow into adults it's just respectful to remember our peers's names, especially once we're in the work field. You're probably going to get in trouble if you can't remember your boss's name, but I bet he'd be even angrier if you couldn't remember his daughter's name, which is a name you're likelier to forget. My point is we can't only remember the important names, we must also remember those we might find irrelevant in that moment.

   "But I have difficulty remembering names, it's not that I'm a rude person.", you might say. Well there are plenty of guides on how to remember names, some of which you can find right here on the internet. Here's one that I found rather enlightening, from the website Mind Tools. (There are two more listed on the marcandangel.com link, plus tons more on Google.)

So today while walking my dog..

I was pretty pissed off and completely stressed out, and considered letting him shit in this guy's yard in my neighborhood that has in the past completely ruined my life. (You know what I'm talking about so don't be stupid.) In my semi-rage, I imagined letting him do so, and the guy complaining to me about it after finding out. I thought about how ridiculous it would be for him to do this over something so stupid considering the horrible things he's done to me, although I wouldn't be surprised. It would be completely in character for someone of his nature. Anyway, In a quick train of unreasonable thought I decided [that if he did this] I would counter his harassment by personally eat the shit off of his lawn, vomiting it back up onto his precious lawn, and seeing if he would complain about it then. My guess would be a no.

As disgusting as this metaphor is, it does stand for something: some shit just doesn't matter. It's not worth ruining other people's lives over.

Eventful Day at OYA

     Today was a pretty great day.

     Made cupcakes with Bianca, caught up a lot, planned for her birthday party Saturday. Saw Oreo's new car, went to OYA, and Kaffa was there! :D Everyone really liked the cupcakes, and thought it was funny they had pigs on them, considering I had swine flu-H1N1 really-a few weeks ago. Also, I am very serious. It was not 100% confirmed, the doctor couldn't tell me for sure at the time of my visit, but I had a 95% chance of having it, so I'm pretty sure that's what it was. It's course was exactly how H1N1 is described as well. However, I am alive and okay, obviously.

     Unfortunately though, not everyone is so lucky. A friend told me today a friend of his just passed away earlier this month from the virus. I hope she rests in peace.

     Having H1N1 really made me think about something. If I were to have died, I would have died feeling like I did not contribute enough to the world to have even deserved to exist. It made me realize I need to start putting things into the world NOW because some, unexpected day it may be too late.

     Although I made light of it with pig sprinkles on the cupcakes, it's very serious, and not a joke. I strongly suggest checking out the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention H1N1 flu site if you are uninformed on the virus. Here's the link: CDC H1N1 Flu | H1N1 Flu and You

     So anyway, enough about that, I went to the UCF 'Equal' group tonight, I believe it was their first night of the new school year. Pretty cool :) I'll probably never get a chance to go back again, but it was neat. :)

     Now here's a picture of me and Bianca from today. :) Time for bed now.

I woke up with a smile on my face..

..because even though I had turned off my alarm this morning and slept until 1 (oops!), I knew I had cute hair, haha. It's ridiculous how much just changing one thing can boost your confidence!! I feel great today :D

     Well now my friend Bianca is coming over, and she's going to help me bake/decorate cupcakes for OYA. :) They're going to be so cute, I have a great idea for them! I'll take a picture once they're done to put up here. :)

     I really need to finish my thank you cards too today so I can give some of them out tonight, ughhh, so busy. Wish I hadn't turned off my alarm. :( On top of that, somehow I unplugged my phone when I turned it off, so now it's only half charged and that's not going to work. I need a battery with extended life. Ugh.

Life Redecoration

     There are some things I would really like to visually change about myself before I'm 18.

My Room

Currently: This isn't even physically pertaining to me. I really want to change up my room. For so many years it's been the same: plain white walls (like the rest of our house, which is fine by me), random furniture, tons of posters and basically just trash taped up onto the walls. It's not literally trash by the way, but it's nothing I would save unless I made a box of stuff from my 'teen bedroom' walls for memories.

How I want it changed: The furniture doesn't bother me. Yeah, I hate my TV being so big, but I'm considering just doing away with it all together for more room and better feng shui.

     I really want my walls painted, two pink walls and two yellow walls, opposite of each other, and in pale hue. I'm not sure about my 'door wall'-I have five walls, the 5th just being the wall that has my door in it-but obviously one of those two colors, whichever looks best. As for the angsty 'wall decoration', I want to frame all my Manson posters and put them on my largest wall with drastic, odd space in-between them (I'll explain that in a second). Then I want to start framing photos I've been taking and place them all around my room in some sort of organized fashion, and fill in the gaps between the Manson posters making that wall the focus of the room. I want to use all different kinds of frames too, to make it really neat and trendy looking. Some with a newer style, some really old ones, really ones of all shapes and sizes to spice it up.

     On the wall opposite of that, I want to have some wall decals or something cool and simple. Everything else, undecorated for the most part.

How I'll benefit: I won't really, it's a material thing. I have never had painted walls though, and growing up I've always wanted a colorful room. I'm running out of time to squeeze a few more things out of my childhood, and this is just one of those things. Although my dad and his girlfriend say they'll turn my room into something else when I leave, a part of me thinks they won't, and that they'll keep it as my 'childhood bedroom', like people sometimes do. But who knows, they could read this tomorrow and laugh in my face and tell me I'm completely wrong. However, they'll move eventually anyway I imagine. Regardless, my main beneficiary still stands.

My Wardrobe

Currently: My problem is one that some girls would find really personal and embarassing, but I have no problem with sharing if it means that another girl might read this and not feel as alone and weird as I did. Anyway, my problem is jeans. They do NOT fit over my ass. It sounds funny-because it is-but it's so true, they just don't! Most of the time anyway. I have to find designers usually for them to fit nicely, otherwise the waist size ends up being several sizes higher than my actual size. Usually jeans I try on make me look like I shit my pants because they fall off of me because they're too big, but they're only that way so they fit over my 'trunk', haha.

     Recently I realized I am not a freak with an odd shaped body, I am just blessed! It's much easier to find jeans now that I have an idea of what brands fit me. Although being more expensive, I'm not into having tons of jeans I'd hardly wear anyway. I'd be more than happy with just 2-3 pairs that fit great than 10+ pairs that look horrible and make me feel unattractive.

     So enough about pants, now onto shirts. I have an extensive collection of tops, but a large majority of that is black Marilyn Manson t-shirts. I love Manson, and sure, I love to rock a Manson shirt once in a while, but when I look in my closet and there's nothing to choose from but blackness, I hate getting dressed that day. I want more color in my wardrobe. Wearing Manson shirts every day, for one, makes me look like someone I'm not. My appearance does not match my personality. I look like a hardcore rocker chick that isn't too thrilled about life, all because I dress so darkly and without much class or style. (Sorry if that offends anyone, but you know it's true that you come off as that regardless of your real personality. I'm an example of that.) Secondly, it makes me look obsessed with him to a creepy extent. (And hey, I might be, but not everyone needs to know! Hehe)

     One more small change is I want to learn how to walk in heels, and actually wear them. I'm tall all ready, but who cares. It's not like I have a boyfriend, a short boyfriend especially, to stand next to. =p

How I want it changed: For jeans it's pretty obvious. I need to work up the patience to go and shop for them. It's my fault honestly, I am offered new clothes all the time, I just back out because I dread the process of shopping for them and feeling disappointed when they look bad. But no longer! I will face my jeans fear soon! Haha. So tops and heels, like with the jeans, I just have to shop for once.

How I'll benefit: Just in general I'll feel so much better about myself, my confidence especially will skyrocket through the ROOF. I'm not into looks as much as some people are, I'm a little more so than average, but nothing crazy like "looks are everything". Still, I'll feel great about myself.

With heels though, I'll really benefit here. Working in corporate America as a woman almost requires you to wear heels. If you want to come off as a professional woman in the business world, you need to know how to wear heels, even if you don't wear them everyday.

     I thought I had another thing I wanted to change, but maybe I'm mistaken. The less, the better. :) We should always focus on being happy with ourselves for who we truly are on the inside first and foremost-looks aren't everything! They don't equal happiness in any case. However, being a pretty happy person, I don't see any consequence in wanting to change up a few things that don't make or break my being.

     One last thing, I got something changed today. My aunt Stacey cut and dyed my hair today at her salon for my birthday last month (I've been on vacation and sick, now was the soonest we could do it). I love it!

     She is really amazing at doing hair (and makeup!), and styles for both men and women. If you're seriously interested and live in FL (especially the Orlando area), give me a shout for more information. :)

I made a decision today about Post Secret.

I have decided to send in a Post Secret that relates to today. It is a secret, but not a serious one like something about rape, abuse or anything like that. It does relate to something serious, but only if gone about the wrong way.

I don't even know why it's a secret honestly. I bet this is how those anonymous senders felt when they sent in their silly secrets. Giddy. Excited. Embarrassed. And personally, wanting to tell everyone now.

But! I'll make the card and send it in, and if it doesn't go up on the site within a certain amount of time (I'll decide that later), I'll post it here anyway. :) This will be a great experience.

For now, here is a secret of mine 'written in someone else's handwriting'..

P.S. Everyone that started school today: Good luck! Have a great year!

Here's ONE more Post Secret for now, I just had to post it. This is so POWERFUL! You go girl!

Dear true love,

You are my everything.

Let's be juvenile, you are my sunshine.
Now let's be honest, you don't exist.


No, I'm just kidding. I've come to realize that while you may not exist to me today, some day we will find each other. Maybe not a 'soul mate' exactly (not sure on my beliefs with that yet), but someone up to my standards will come along, and there is no need to settle for any less. Although it may be fun at first, and maybe not even waste my time, eventually it will lack joy and will be a waste of time. So the game is played by waiting it out completely, or catching a few waves on my ride out to sea.


Sea of love that is. (Hahaha. Just kidding.)

20 Life Lessons I Learned in My 20's: #17

17. It is okay to be angry. It is never okay to be cruel.

(From www.marcandangel.com)

     I could not agree with this more. This is definitely a lesson all adults need to learn, and many do not unfortunately.

     Personally I am still on my journey of completely learning this lesson (if that is even possible). I imagine it comes with my youth. I get angry, I get cruel. I pull out all the stops to hurt my attacker, to make them feel the pain I am feeling (all anger comes from pain-if it doesn't hurt, it can't make you angry).

     However, respectable adults do not intentionally hurt others. Such behavior is often seen as juvenile, and for a good reason (I think I'm coming full circle here in understanding).

     One of the things I'd like to change about myself is to flush all cruelty when arguments arise. Granted, it'll be near impossible to carry that through completely, but I shall do my very best to be a decent human being when I am angry and not lash out at others for the good of myself and my peers.

77 Keys To Living Well Before You Die: #3

3. Travel somewhere you’ve never been with someone you’ll never forget.

(From www.marcandangel.com)

It has been a lingering thought in my mind for many years to be wary of vacations with lovers. If we were to part ways later on, I wouldn't remember Paris and Richard (not a real person in relations to me). I've felt that by remembering the ex as well, it would ruin the place for me, and I would never want to visit again. Let's be honest, who in their right mind wouldn't want to visit Paris again?

But perhaps "someone you'll never forget" stretches out to friends as well, but the same principle applies-what if we part ways over a quarrel a few months later? I'm starting to believe-although this has been a lingering thought as well-that this goes deeper than these words, and delves into my fear of voluntary attachments to others. Friends and lovers are a dime a dozen, but I'd feel much more comfortable experiencing once-in-a-lifetime experiences with a family member. (They can, or shouldn't, ever be absent from my life, therefore no consequences.)

I hope with age I change into a more trusting and inviting person. This is something I would like to work on changing about myself, to become a better person.

Confessions of someone almost 18..

Well, not quite.

     Truth be told, I have 11 months left. 11 months and a few days.

     My 17th birthday was July 27th, but as we all know (if we put in the time to remember), the road to 18 is one quite anticipated from a young age, but quite different once on the path itself. I have discovered that for myself, and discover it more and more everyday. Through the joys and fears, I am on the road to being 18. A legal adult in my country of residence, the United States of America. This means big changes for any 'child' reaching adulthood-for me, it means college, freedom, a car (the latter which I should already have, but that's a different story). The list goes on. Bottom line is: there are no forks left here.

     I'm sure others have written their stories of travel to adulthood, but I'd like to join that number, and remind my elders it's not all easy, it's not all fun. I'd like to remind my juniors it's not all hard, and it's not all pain. There is a natural balance, and I will show it to you.

I am perfectly described once again as a fictitious human..

(Originally quoted on August 15th, 2009. Posted to COSA18 on September 14th, 2009.)

"Tell me what you want as fast as it comes to you," says Becky to Gilbert as they relax in the thick brown grass beside the pond. Stretched out under the bright sun, he closes his eyes and begins to think deeply.

"House...I want a new house for the family." His dreamlike expression softens. "I want Mama to take aerobics classes. I want Ellen to grow up. I want a new brain for Arnie."

"What do you want for you," she asks, "just for you?"

The shadow of a smile drifts across his face, and he replies without hesitation,

"I want to be a good person."