Mysteries of My Creation

    Today is your (un)lucky day—have all you’ve ever wanted if you can only reach it on your own. My money’s on: you can’t, and that’s why you pushed away what you claimed was such a great thing for you, you selfish hypothetical gene. If you genuinely believe deep down that all you deserve is the shit that you spread, that is all you will ever even be. The rewards won’t exist, you’re less than that to me. This is the time of your last feeding. I hope you’re as happy as you deserve to be.

The Offer & The Received

Rough draft written on 28 March 2010

     It’s difficult for me to trust people, especially people I instinctually feel I should—family. Undressing before a twisted grin and hours of lost darkness with my great grandfather is my youngest memory.

     At a point, three more individuals began to take turns at my body. A short time later my birth mother figured it out, on several occasions witnessing my captors leading their prisoner to Hell. All the while she said and did nothing. She picked at me for it then and calls me a liar today, yet has an immense curiosity in what all lies I have spread.

     What sick & sane person would wish to hear such horrendous lies evidently in accusation of themselves? Or perhaps, and the truth is grave-ridden here, she seeks what truths I have told that she has attempted desperately to cleverly disguise as lies so that she may better cloak the rest of what I haven’t yet told the world in invisibility. Hardly.

     Aside from trust, holding on to self-worth from my obvious (re)collection of reduction to the V is a prominent difficulty. The one I felt by a subconsciously assumed mutual instinct should care for me most, harbors a malicious desire to constantly belittle and subsequently dispatch me in finite time. She wouldn’t protect my then-virgin body of all the things she could’ve, how could I gravitationally take pride in myself without an outside force? My body has always been the prison from the very first particle of dark matter I know exists but cannot see.

     This is the inescapable womb of a black hole that has swallowed me ad infinitum. Someone’s going to have to push me out, and maybe it’s me. We don’t know what triggers labor. All I’m sure of is my inescapability of responsibility for what I hope was this unplanned pregnancy. I wish someone had protected me from the egg, because the only life I’ve ever received from you Lisa Marie Kaufmann is your mitochondria.

Here is My Real Head series Pt. 2

Organ Grinder by Marilyn Manson
I am the face of piss and shit and sugar

I do a crooked little dance with my funny little monkey
What I want, what I want is just your children
I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being
Calliopenis envy from your daddy
You're not gonna hear what he don't want to hear
What I say disgusts him
He wants to be me and that scares him
"let's do a funny little dance with my funny little monkey"
The black keys
Here is my real head, here is my real head
I wear this fucking mask because you cannot handle me
Here is my real head
They try to blink me not to think me
Don't want to bring me out
I am the rotten teeth, my fists are lined with suckers
My prison skin's an eyesore-mirror-sketch-pad
I am your son, your dad, your fag, I am your fad
Here is my real head, here is my real head
I wear this fucking mask because you cannot handle me
Here is my real head

Here is My Real Head series 

Pt. 1 - Addiction & Self Mutilation 

Pt. 2 - Childhood Grooming & Sex and Relationships 

Pt. 3 - Worth of My Peers & Trust

Pt. 4 - Being Honest with My Parents
Pt. 5 - The Sound and Feel of Carpet

 

3. Childhood Grooming

     I believe in childhood grooming, because it’s a reality. I do blame the impressionable family members present during my childhood for a lot of the false ideas cluttering my head that I cannot cease to always reel back in, no matter how far I’ve cast them out into sea. Unfortunately, some people’s installation of ideas differs little in that of a pedophile’s grooming of a desired future victim. There were some people that existed in my childhood that had a purposeful reason for convincing me of the things I still believe, or their negative actions towards me. These people are factually to blame, and they don’t just exist in my childhood, but in yours too.

     Blame doesn’t necessarily have to be negative all the time. You could blame your mother for raising you to be particularly kind to the elderly, but you could also blame your mother for raising you to believe you’re more worthless than the gum on the bottom of her shoe.

     I am not afraid to cast blame where blame is rightfully due. One thing that bothers me above most is when someone is to blame for something, but are allowed to carry on believing they aren’t. Blissfully ignorant to their harm, even worse if they vocalize their believed righteousness.

4. Sex and Relationships

     I don’t remember the night I lost my virginity, not even a fragment of the event. I wasn’t drunk or high, it’s likely I don’t remember because it was held with little importance, or possibly because my brain is cold-wired to throw out anything sexual because of its experiences with sexual events in the past that were obviously negative.

     Being unable to view sex as a normal human being is mainly the fault of every person that molested me and my biological mother, were she not sociopathically void of conscience, who didn’t stop them after she became aware of their doings. I am guilt-ridden whenever the topic of sex comes up without plausible reason. Sex is viewed so negatively in my mind that it tries to completely flush it away every time it’s made re-aware that sex still exists in the physical world I reside in.

     I think the reason I’ve ever been in love is because I was never presented with a positive example of what a relationship should be like, and still have not been to this day. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone I could fall in love with because I seek out difficulties and mutual abuse subconsciously. I don’t want to be in a relationship now and foresee no future desire to be in one because of these recent realizations. All the aspects of a relationship are positively worthless to me, dating, marriage, sex, sole companionship, children with a partner (as opposed to single adoption), etc.

     Upon first perception, my concepts of a relationship are extremely negative compared to societies norm. Physical/sexual abuse between partners or towards the children, destroying property with fists (‘Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth’, Marilyn Manson),  secret hatred or disgust of your partner, dishonesty and lying, cheating with and without consent, frequent screaming matches, lack of desire to resolve resentment, remaining with your partner only for financial benefits or another sort of personal gain, plus the various types of other torture all come to mind at first thought. I have to otherwise convince myself to believe for a second that other behaviors exist in relationships outside of fairytales, least long enough for them to come out of my mouth as my false perception of normal to please my listener.

     My perceptions of a normal relationship lead me to seek out the very things I listed and more. By not consenting to a relationship, I am protecting myself from what I don’t particularly want, although sickeningly, a part of me does find the aforementioned appealing. Nonetheless, I view them as relatively acceptable, meaning I am not often shocked by the darkness of relationships. Growing up in the society of the Western World has shown me that the types of relationship aspects that first come to my mind aren’t acceptable by the society I’m a part of, the one most influential to the world therefore subconsciously deemed as correct, but I remain well groomed.