"Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others."

     I am so overwhelmingly happy because now I have seen the truth.

     I don't believe in things happening for a reason. I wholeheartedly believe things simply occur, and people staple a reason to events to provide comfort for themselves. They're not weak, they just haven't been enlightened. Hopefully this paragraph will do that for a few more people, I've affect some in the past. My point is this realization could be perceived as this concept, but don't confuse yourself willingly.

     My current dilemma is this: I no longer have a television in my room because I got rid of it when I repainted and reorganized a month ago. I didn't want to make room for it, and I realized a television in the bedroom is a disturbance (thanks mom). I reflected on my television use prior to redecorating, and discovered it was always on, but it was never my main focus. I would use the computer—often my desktop and laptop simultaneously—and have the television blaring a repeating Roseanne DVD. It constantly rumbled around with my focus, rendering it counter-productive to have both within the same four walls. Or in my room's case, five.

     This decision means I cannot watch television unless it's in the living room. Since we've gotten a new television a few weeks ago, the living room is always occupied by my father's girlfriend on a nightly basis, for the most part. This is frustrating; we don't get along and we never speak as casually as offering each other a simple greeting. We're so below that at this point.

     This situation places me in my room from 5 PM, sometimes 5:30 PM if I'm lucky and she works a little later, until as late as 11 PM most nights. My ultimate choices may seem extreme, but avoiding her as much as possible and taking meals in my room is the price I gladly pay so I don't face the possibility of a relapse triggered by her verbal abuse. Or something much, much worse, fighting with my dad. (I hope you see the meaning in what I just said.)

     Christmas was yesterday of course, and my brother got a Wii. This now also places him in the sport of fighting for the use of the television. (I'm hoping they move the Wii to his room like it's been mentioned.) His ammo of reasoning is he has to go to bed early, or that he doesn't get to play games during the week due to his studies being so poor in grade point average. I'm not going to go into how this is no one's fault but his own because it's already an obvious idea.

     Tonight after I went to the doctors, my dad, brother, and I went to Best Buy and Target to spend some gift card money. I guess we mainly went for me (even though it felt like the complete opposite, I was alone the majority of both excursions), since my brother had already been out shopping all day with my dad's girlfriend. At Best Buy I bought Marilyn Manson's Guns, God, and Government Live in L.A. on Blu-Ray, and asked my dad if he wanted to watch it later tonight. He said no, probably not, because Kirk—my brother—would be playing his new game when we got home, and after, his girlfriend would be watching television late into the night (even though she has a television in her room, of course, but the story never changes regardless of the character).

     I'll be upfront about my immaturity— I was extremely disappointed, and besides what I'm about to mention, it's like an extra twist of the knife knowing I don't get to spend time with my dad because of someone else's selfishly thoughtless actions.

     I don't like having to stay up late just to be able to watch something on television—that is by that time on its second or third repeat of the night—like a pathetic rodent that hunts for food and mischief once everyone in the house is asleep. I suppose that's metaphorically how I feel, like a rat in constant hiding. If seen, I'm chased back into my hole with threats, shouting, etc., all the while trying to avoid the preset traps. I wish I was a mouse, because then no one would step on me.

     Solitude is my only safety.

     To remain safe and unscathed by others I have to be alone, and that has torn me apart for so long.

     Tonight I got to speculating though, probing the situation for glimmers of positivity.

I realized that when I am sheltering myself within my room, I have to do things besides watch television, play video games, or socialize.

     What do I do, you may wonder. Well for starters, I read, I write, I cite books, I research sociology, influences, films I haven't seen, and books I haven't read yet. I am forced into a creative cycle on a near daily basis, and that is my newly discovered relief. While the occupants of the living room are spending their time on wasteful activities, I am being productive, and my only reluctance is because sometimes I would rather be watching one of the films I've researched.

     In the end there's no reason to be angry.

     While they're watching movies (not films), reality television, or playing video games, I'm doing one or many of the aforementioned activities. I am grateful for this forced situation of productivity, I am no longer angry.

     In the end, I will be blossoming and they will be rotting.